Washington DC - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): The Democrats' 2004 White House contender John Kerry fears that if his former prostate cancer returns he may have no choice but to declare himself a contender for the 2008 White House presidential election.
"Of course the first thing I'd do is dump any John Edwards ideas and find myself a proper running mate. Maybe someone with all the signs of a pre-malignant cervical melanoma.
"And that includes my lovely wife Teresa. Now that would be a dream thicket!"
The news was welcomed by corporate America which is awash with campaign cash to pump into futile political projects that have major tax-deductible implications.
And at Barack Obama's campaign HQ today news that the Illinois Senator perceivably cannot quit smoking has brought a big smile from his fundraising and PR teams which have noted that "although Barry has absolutely NO signs of any malignancy at the moment, things could change.
"His lungs are fighting fit but corporate backers might like to remember that there is already an 'ill' in Illinois which might influence their promotional budgeting decisions."
Mitt Romney is 59.