Written by Jalapenoman
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Thursday, 12 April 2007

image for Presidential Candidate Fred Thompson Beats Edwards By Having His Own Cancer
The number of candidates requiring medical attention is rising

In an announcement that will slow down the John Edwards campaign publicity, Senator and actor Fred Thompson said that he himself has cancer. The former Law and Order star said that he will not allow this to affect his running for President of the United States.

"Yep," said the Senator, "I've got it. Now Edwards has only got a wife that has it, but I've got it myself. I'm not going to let it stop me from running or serving my country that I love. This country needs what I can give it, even though I might only be able to give it to them with no hair and weakened by chemotherapy."

This news comes on the heels of former President Clinton agreeing to catch cancer to assist with his wife's campaign, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson using Los Alamos and Sandia National Labs to develop a strain of cancer to infect his wife, and Arizona Senator John McCain's latest announcement. McCain said in a campaign speech yesterday in Vermont that "when I was a prisoner of the North Vietnamese, they used to beat us with cancer every day."

In attempts to win back some of thier flagging support, other candidates made strange statements to the press. Mayor Rudy Giulani said that cancer in his family made his hair fall out. Senator Barrack Obama declared that he had a history of sickle cell anemia in his family (and this was a disease that made him suffer from racism). Governor Mitt Romney stated that cancer had claimed the lives of at least four of his polygamous Mormon wives. John Kerry, who has not decided for sure if he will run again, announced that he didn't have cancer, but he was still abnormally tall and only looked like Herman Munster only because of an allergic reaction to Heinz Catsup.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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