Elk Droppings, MT (TheSpoof.com) - Here's the straight poop right from the scoop! Well into 'her' cross-country whirlwind tour-de-farce democratic presidential candidacy campaign, Hillary 'Remember Bill' Clinton may soon be wearing more than just the pants if she makes it to the White House in 2008.
Incredulously immobilized by her inability to gain significant ground on erstwhile others of the ilk in the dash to become the democrat darling du jour, the crafty chameleon has a secret strategy sure to strengthen 'her' standing. Hoping to attract voters from the broadest demographic of American from every socio-economic, ethnic, racial and religious group, a transformation of 'the next Clinton' is about to take place. Not only that, but we should all be on the lookout for frenetic flips, flops and flourishes as 'she' shakes and bakes 'her'self into THE 'All American Candidate.'
How's 'she' gonna do it? you might ask. Well, she has more money than brains (as if that weren't excruciatingly obvious). 'She' is egotistically over the top and as power hungry as Attila the Hun, as pompous and overbearing as a combination of Donald Trump, Osama (not Obama) bin Laden and Satan himself. And, if all goes as planned, we may soon see an extreme makeover that will make Saddam Hussein look like Captain Kangaroo.
Since America is still not ready for a woman president, there's just one simple solution to that sticky situation. Hillary (nice unisex ring to that name, huh?), with a nip here, a tuck there, and a judicious grafting of a little sculpted butt fat, will become the man 'she' always knew she could, should and would be. Besides, she proved long ago that she has more balls than Bill ever had. That takes care of the gender issue. Oh, and (s)he'll also espouse the 'goes both ways' lifestyle to appease both gays and straights by remaining married after the 'operation.' Ole Bill is sure to love that.
The next phase of the metamorphosis involves putting on a hundred and fifty pounds, so (s)he can identify with the 'vast' majority of overweight Americans. Immediately thereafter, (s)he will sneak across the border into Mexico so she can sneak back into the US as an illegal alien, thereby resembling yet another essential electoral element.
Learning Arabic, Spanish, Hebrew, Latin and Ebonics will further mold the new Hillary, so (s)he can communicate fluently with vital vectors of American inhabitants. In conjunction with this, (s)he will regularly shuttle from cathedral (grasping a rosary) to synagogue (sporting a yarmulke) to mosque (adorned in the latest burqa) to Taco Bell (carrying a green card) to pay homage to the various and sundry deities of choice. So as not to alienate atheists, (s)he will openly swear, curse and blaspheme at every opportunity.
While we're all too familiar with the 'before' picture of the she-soon-to-be-the-next-he Clinton, we should all brace ourselves for what is about to be unleashed. Because there is absolutely no doubt that the 'after' picture will be coming after YOU!!!