Demonstrators at Brigham Young University found what look liked the remains of Jerry Garcia's bones in a cave outside of Provo, Utah today. The discovery seemed very timely as tempers on the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints campus have been flaring this week after it was announced that BYU's scheduled speaker for commencement ceremonies this spring will be Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney was called "friend of the devil" by students and faculty at BYU for his role in Halliburton and the Iraq war at the traditionally conservative campus.
"We're thinking there has been a backlash in generations over here. We usually don't see demonstrations like this," said student body president, James Boylan II. "Most of the students here are happily conservative and are looking forward to lucrative careers in the banking industry. The most radical thing I've ever seen was a student posting a sticky note on one of the Coke machines after it refused to dispense her drink, or give her the money back. I'm sure that Brigham Young is turning in his grave."
As for the discovery of Garcia's bones, "there's more irony here than meets the eye," said professor of religious studies at BYU, James Boylan. "Just like Christ, the late Brigham Young was himself a carpenter before he began preaching the word of God. And, in American pop culture, Jerry Garcia is worshipped as a saint. He even has an ice cream flavor named after him!"
Anthropological scholars have been baffled as to whether Garcia intended the lyrics to "Roll Away The Stone" as an account of Christians discovering the bones of Jesus Christ, in 3 days AD, or a prophecy of what happened today at a cave in Utah.
No matter the verdict or Garcia's intentions, it was recorded and is common knowledge that he did, in fact, spend the night in a cave in Utah sometime during the 1960's. This he did after borrowing "twenty bills" from the devil indicating that Garcia may have been in some kind of trouble, or was broke.
Since there were no fast food restaurants, or Ben and Jerry's "up in the hills" at the time, there is no evidence as to what Garcia was going to do with the money. Investigators did, however, confirm that "twenty bills" did, in fact, mean $20.00 and that Garcia possibly had more than one wife.
Investigations that Garcia may have been related to, or had some link to Christ are still pending DNA evidence linking him to the Jewish savior.
In other news today, the Grateful Dead will be touring eternity next month…..