Written by King David
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Friday, 6 April 2007

image for God pissed again at southerners as temperatures in the South plummet
God is pissed at southerners once again

As blueberry bushes donned black hoods and lined up like condemned prisoners, residents throughout the South prepared for this evening's lows by covering plants and spring flowers with black plastic and saying their prayers.

God is furious once again at the southern people for speaking on His behalf and will deliver a blow tonight that will send the South and mother nature reeling into freezing temperatures again.

As the rural South has had little else to talk about over the years, the weather and God remain its most popular subjects, even more than different ethnic groups and American cars.

"You expect the sun to rise again this Easter? Well, think again. You're going to freeze your asses off," God said. "All those sunrise services you better bring a winter jacket."

He said that He was tired of all the hypocrites in church on Sunday morning only going back to their backsliding during the week.

He did offer credit to the congregations for their incredible effort during Hurricane Katrina though.

"If the government's not going to pick up the slack, you Yahoos are going to have to do it! And no masturbating on Palm Sunday! That's my day," He said.

A spokesman for the United Christian Churches (UCC) said that they were used to God's wrath and that they would build an ark, or something and plan accordingly.

"We know how pissed He can get," said pastor Jim Fever.

It was said that for modesty purposes it would be inappropriate to cover your plants with bed sheets. Neighbors who normally admire your garden, may come over and be offended by your intimate stains.

If, however, you cannot find the black plastic, you may use bed sheets, but you must say that your sheets were stained by the blood and body of Christ in a holy worship ritual. Still, it's best to take the bed sheets off early before anyone has a chance to meander over and call you a liar.

Other signs that God has not been very happy with southerners lately have been the unseasonably high pollen index rating, making it very difficult for southern Baptist ministers to breathe, Hurricane Katrina and current, dry conditions that are prime for forest wildfires.

When asked when God might be lifting sanctions on the southern people, He simply said, "When Hell Freezes Over."

And that could be tonight!

In other news today, Jerry Garcia is resurrected in San Francisco as Jesus Christ.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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