(AP) Pittsburgh, PA -- Local Doctor Reveals Truth About HealthScare. Dr. Armand Kowapalski made an astonishing announcement today to the Surgeon General, FDA, and local reporters. "Not only is it okay to smoke - it's also healthy. Smoking has been around since people first learned how cool they looked with a cigarette," Kowapalski said, "here in Pittsburgh you were much more likely to die from breathing coal dust in the mines or coke in the steel mills."
In the past, campaigns to abolish public smoking, prevent minors from smoking and limit ads for tobacco products has become a societal norm. America is a recognised leader in this War on Tobacco.
Dr. Kowapalski emphatically disagrees. "They made it all up," he maintains, "a few people got a cough and all the sudden the entire nation and now the world has a bug up its ass. I quit for a long time - 22 years - but then one night after I botched a hysterectomy and an angioplasty in one day, I knew I needed a smoke break. So I bought a pack and I have never been calmer or had a steadier hand." And he owes it all to the soothing effects of nicotine.
"I started thinking about it while performing a routine appendectomy. All of a sudden I realise I got this appendix in one hand and a Marlboro red in the other. My body told me it was time to take a break. That's huge. If your body is telling you to do it, it has to be okay. Our bodies tell us when to eat, when to drink and when to sleep - all the things it needs. Well I'm sorry but this is no different. I ignored my body for 22 years and that's all changed.
Several of Dr. Kowapalski's colleagues strongly disagree. One such colleague, Dr. Kristophe Glugenshitski calls Kowapalski a quack. "He's a complete douche-bag. No one in their right mind would call his findings relevant. What a quack."
Dr. Haralubus Stantinopolis agrees with Glugenshitski, "I never heard of such a thing. Has he lost his freakin' mind? How can he argue with the years of research and testing and documented cases of lung cancer and emphysema in patients who smoke? And his claim that smoking cigarettes calms him while operating? Horseshit! It does nothing but accelerate the central nervous system - quite the opposite of what he says. He should smoke a joint at least he'll get high. That's what I do. It keeps me from ringing the necks of those woe-is-me family members who lose a 'loved one' in the OR. What do they think we are, miracle workers?"
Kowapalski reminds Stantinopolis that marijuana is illegal. "Hey," he said, "tell that Greek fuck that until dope is legal I'm stickin' with my fags - it's going to jail that's not healthy. If I'm gonna take it in the ass it'll be with a strap on in the comfort of my own home… and then I'll have a cigarette."
Kowapalski's announcement was met with opposition but stout curiosity as well by the FDA. "We're certainly willing to listen," said a spokesman who preferred to remain anonymous, "hell if we were wrong about Viagra, the levels of mercury in tuna and pet food, maybe we were wrong about cigarette smoke."
Time will tell if Dr. Kowapalski's epiphany will change the way the world sees cigarettes but one thing's for sure, "quit shmit - smoke 'em if ya got 'em." Kowapalski concluded.