Greendale, Wisconsin - The first outbreak of a new car disease was documented here, and it is feared that millions of other cars may suffer the same fate.
Dodge Neon, a car resident, reported "sharp pains" in his manifold and a "choking sensation" in his fuel line.
"At first I thought it was just bad gas," said Neon, "but then, five miles from my owner's house my engine just cut out."
Local mechanic Peter Quinn, 65, said he had seen this before. "I knew what it was, but didn't want to jump to any conclusions."
After Dodge officials examined the car, they determined that Neon had contracted "Severe Promiscuous Usurped Transmission Torque Extraction Refueling", or SPUTTER.
"SPUTTER is contracted through the promiscuous use of multiple gas pumps," said engineer, William Hair. "In other words, these cars are sticking gas pumps into their fuel ports and have no idea of the condition of the car before them that had used the same pump."
Hair added that most people were not aware of just how dirty and used gas pumps could be.
"People think they can use any pump they want and come away clean," said Hair. "But they're wrong. If you pump gas with one pump, you have pumped gas with every other car that pump has touched."
Hair suggested the use of "pump condoms", a rubber sheath that could be slipped on the pump nozzle, protecting the car from contracting SPUTTER.
"Try to lessen the number of different pumps you use," said Hair. "Make sure you know where that pump has been, and always use a pump condom."
Neon, the first car to be officially diagnosed with SPUTTER, has filed suit against oil companies and his owner.
"They should have been more careful," says Neon. "I was just going along like everything was fine, and now I'm hooked up to a diagnostic and will die in a year. I feel dirty."