U.S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings announced today that masturbation, or wanking as it's known to most young boys, will be required teaching at all public schools in the U.S.
"It's reprehensible that some young people are going through puberty without knowing how to wank", Spellings said at an early afternoon press conference. "If young people wanked more there would be less teenage pregnancy and incidents of sexually transmitted diseases."
Acting Surgeon General Rear Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H., agreed with Spellings plan. "Children have to learn there is more than one way to have an orgasm", Moritsugu said. "Our motto is 'sex can wait - masturbate'".
Moritsugu was surprised to lean that slogan has already been taken "All right then, how about 'don't fuck your date, masturbate'?"
Moritsugu said he will find some catchier slogans at a later time.
Spelling did not outline a suggested curriculum for teaching masturbation but suggested that should be left to the individual schools teachers.
"I've already got some homework assignments for them", said Los Angeles schoolteacher Marilyn Jacobs. "I only plan on teaching the basics such as shaft stroking and twat twiddling. I don't think children this age should be overexposed to dildos, vibrators, heated rubber vaginas or French ticklers. That should be more of a college course. But, of course, there is nothing like a good soapy tit wank!"
Former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders was ecstatic to learn of the new education ruling. "It's what I've been saying all along", Elders beamed. "Now we'll all be able to get ourselves off without always having to get laid"