Written by Orchid
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Topics: Environment, EPA

Friday, 30 March 2007

The EPA denied claims this morning that it had found a positive link between increased lead levels in the nations' water supply and the many acute cases of memory lapse being reported across the country.

High profile cases of forgetfulness have made the headlines of all the major media in recent weeks, beginning with Lewis "Scooter"' Libby who appeared before Congress to testify that he like so many others Washington, had forgotten key facts which if true would be highly suggestive that he had done something bad, perhaps even illegal.

The most recent high profile case was Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Alberto Gonzales testified to Congress just weeks ago that he was not involved in the firing of eight US attorneys; to find out just afternoon that he had discussed that very topic for over an hour with his deputy attorney general and had instructed her to go ahead and "axe the unpatriotic bastards". In a statement to CNN, Gonzales told the nation that he was shocked, even saddened, by the news that he had forgotten the events of the meeting. "So help me God, I don't even remember having a meeting… any meeting; I couldn't have had a meeting; I delegated all of my responsibilities to staffers immediately upon taking the oath of office. I have been here in Palm Beach ever since. Damn!, I almost forgot my tee time. Excuse me, I have to be going!"

Journalists and Historians have traced the trend in forgetfulness back to the 1980's. That was the era of colorful figures such as Ronald Reagan and Colonel North, both of which had forgotten that they had traded arms to Iran to secure the release of 50 American hostages. More recently, William Jefferson Clinton forgot that he was married soon after moving into the oval office. Even George Bush Junior has admitted to recent moments. "I had clean forgotten my daddy had already defeated Iraq. Can you believe it? And then I went back in there and everything! Whooee. That ones a doozy, you know, a real big memory lapse. I made the biggest; that's because I make the big decisions."

Indeed, scientists have pinpointed the epicenter of the forgetfulness to the white house itself. "It is concerning to all citizens of this great country that the very house in which we house our president and his staff is contributing to their memory lapses." The White House was built pre-1970's and is chalk full of white lead-based paints.

"I would advise the president to remove himself, his family, and his staff from the premises immediately. I would like to make a special plea to President Bush himself; please don't eat any more of the paint. I know it's light and crunchy and tastes just like one of those fancy remanufactured potato chips that come in a can, but it is not a potato chip. Please Mr. President, stop stripping paint off the walls during meetings."

White house insiders from the Reagan presidency report that they warned first lady Nancy Reagan that her new leaded drink ware could be hazardous and possible cause for concern, but state that Nancy would not listen to them, accusing them of being godless liberals. In an interview with Tom Brokaw, the former first lady Nancy Reagan is quoted as saying "I don't recall purchasing drinking mugs… my, isn't that funny?"

Historians note that George Bush Senior has been immune from the epidemic of forgetfulness, "probably for just that reason that most of his time was spent at his retreat in Kennebunkport and thus had little chance to drink from those Reagan era "One for the Gipper" beer steins from which George Bush Junior drinks so heartily."

When presented with the fact that the lead contamination is the water supply has increased 200 fold across the nation just since November 2000, EPA spokesman Frank Arned told this journalist "That may be true, I don't exactly recall what those numbers are now. Or what they mean... Excuse me, what was your question?"

In a follow-up interview with another EPA employee, the question of lead in the water supply was summarily dismissed with this statement, "Lead cannot be the problem because nowhere in the Bible does God say that drinking lead, or any other heavy metal, is forbidden; Indeed, the recent heavy metal water enrichment program (formulated and implemented by Dick Cheney in conjunction with a bi-partisan committee consisting entirely of republicans) will strengthen our nation and communities both physically and morally."

Liberals are reportedly skeptical of the health benefits of lead, going so far as blame the loss of candidate John Kerry to George Bush Junior in 2004 to lead contamination. Green Peace activist Jethro Frann of Seattle summed up the stance of many liberals with this query/rejoinder, "How could so many millions of people vote for George Bush Junior a second time? Because they forgot what an idiot he was, that's why."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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