Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 30 March 2007

image for 1400lbs Man Undergoes Drain Clearance
With this little thing? You're joking!

A man who used to weigh more than 1400lbs (100 stones) has won an award for 'slimming', after losing around 65% of his body weight in just three months. More amazing still, is that, this 3-month 'weightcrash' included the Christmas and New Year periods, traditionally times of serious and concerted gluttony.

Walter Mountain was so heavy that the foundations of his home in Battle Creek, Michigan, had to be reinforced with titanium steel girders. His door frames had to be widened after relatives discovered that he was restricting his visits to the bathroom, and therefore, his bowel movements, to once every three months. The Department of Environmental Quality were baffled as to why they had to empty the towns streets of untreated waste four times a year, until a 'gas' explosion under his property uncovered a scene so gruesome, that they didn't want the outside world to know about it.

All that changed when Mountain decided to "get a plumber in" for DRT, or Drastic Resolution Treatment, a form of drain clearance that is normally only used to deal with blocked urban sewer systems.

Trained technicians with breathing apparatus pumped away for more than sixteen hours, removing endless gallons of toxic raw sewage from Mr. Mountain, and the Coastguard was alerted to monitor the situation out at sea.

Last week though, at the Porkers Slimming Centre in Detroit, Mountain, now looking 'sprightly' at just over 470lbs, took first prize in the Ridiculously Obese category, and won an all-expenses paid day out at the fast food restaurant of his BIG FAT CHOICE.

Having given several young children a ride on his back, Mountain then apologised to the townspeople, saying:

"I'll drive to Alaska next time I need a crap."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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