St Salvatorius Pointus, the Southwest Catholic school that made national news with its decision to test hair samples of every student to monitor for drug use in the last year is once again in the news. This time the SP Lancers have a female English teacher having sex with a 17 year old senior.
The leadership team of St Sal P's acted decisively. Fr Frederick "The Great" Titslesin, Huge School Head, faced the news conference bravely as he explained: St Sal P will not accept drug use in its student body and love between human beings will never be acceptable as long as I am the Huge Head!
VP Big Bother denied that the love affair between near adults had any resemblance to her "fostercare" fling with a clinically depressed minor who she ensnared in her home. My foster-adopt 17 year old was here completely on a voluntary basis and our mutually consenting massages were totally voluntary.
AD Philattio Groanfiddler also had a history to explain: "My flight from a local high school softball coaching position because of supposed indiscretions with a 17 year old pitcher are not even remotely related to this incident. So I showed her how to handle balls and how to set the batter up. It had nothing to do with love or human closeness"
St Sal P Institute Director, Mac Glynster waded in on the news conference: "I've had more affairs with seventeen year olds than Wilt Chamberlain. . . who, by the way, I taught to play center when he was only 4 feet tall and got him laid for the first time too!"
Notso Bignazi, director of Counseling at St Sal P was very quiet in front of the reporters but an anonymous source at the administration's interrogation of the young teacher in love said about Mr Bignazi: "He made a pitbull look like a poodle! This lil fella went apeshit when he learned that love and intimacy might be involved!"
Capt. Humpy, another Huge School Head, was typically silent throughout the proceedings with the teacher and the press. Our reporter for TheSpoof.com did believe he heard the Captain muttering to himself down the halls of St Sal P afterwards: "Can you be prosecuted for mounting the leg of your boss? Oh Bother. . ."
"St Sal P HS will not only drug test every strand of human hair on our campus but the food in the faculty dining hall will be richly flavored with saltpeter!", ranted Mr Notso Bignazi, "I will not rest until we eradicate every remnant of good feelings in the lives of our teachers and students!"