Written by Reginald Ironcrotch
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Topics: Prison, Chinese

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

image for Local Man Released From Chinese Finger Prison

MARYSTOWN, PA - A local man was released today after serving a one-year sentence in a Chinese finger prison. Reginald Grunger, 32 - a longtime petty theft criminal - was given the unusual sentence after his fifteenth conviction by County Judge Harold Brasstones. Brasstones handed down the sentence after a bizarre incident in the courtroom.

"He'd snuck in a box of Popper Jacks and was eating them when no one was looking" said Brasstones. "Apparently the finger prison was the secret prize, and when his fingers got stuck, he became hysterical and had to be subdued."

"I panicked" recalled Grunger. "I thought they were going to have to cut my fingers off. I still think the guards planted it there - there's no way they would let kids get a hold of one of those things." After Grunger finally calmed down, Brasstones noticed Grunger's extreme agitation at his digital incarceration. "He never seemed to mind going back to jail, but he sure didn't like that finger prison. So I left him in there - hoping he'd finally learn a lesson."

Brasstones' strategy may have worked. "That was the longest year of my life" said Grunger. "All I could eat was sandwiches - nothing with a knife and fork. And I don't even want to talk about what I had to do in the bathroom. But I'm a changed man. I don't ever want to go through that again."

Chief of Police Warren Tinshield says his department is studying the use the device for short-term detention as well. "We're always looking for a less intrusive method of temporary incarceration. They seem perfect for the overnighters in the drunk tank. We also plan to have one or two in every patrol car by the end of the year."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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