Written by Jalapenoman
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Wednesday, 28 March 2007

image for Edwards Campaign to Involve Dying Wife
Can the sympathy vote carry an election?

Senator John Edwards announced that his wife is dying of incurable bone cancer that was thought to be in remission. In an interview televised on Sixty Minutes, he told Katie Couric that he will stay on the campaign trail and not drop out of the race. Even though he will soon be the single parent of two children under the age of ten, Edwards feels that he needs to give service to the country he loves.

A source requesting anonymity revealed the following campaign schedule to this publication.

March, 2007
Announce she's sick. This gets us on all the networks and gets the name out there.

April and May, 2007
Show lots of pictures of her with the kids to begin to build the sympathy base

Summer, 2007
Collapse at media event in major city to be determined. Children should be nearby or first to her side.

January, 2008
Amputate a limb to build sympathy vote during the heavy primary and caucus season (leg requiring wheelchair use will probably get more media coverage).

Winter/Spring, 2008
Have her enter hospital day of major debate to help with sympathy from opponents

Spring, 2008
Push her hard on campaign trail. Make sure media coverage is there for all fainting spells.

Summer, 2008
Final hospitalization at beginning of Democratic National Convention. A collapse at podium at start of convention would be a coup if it can be orchestrated.

Fall, 2008
Death week of elections. Try to get posed picture of crying children saluting coffin.

Election Eve, 2008
If still behind in polls day before election, come up with possible tragedy plan for the children (one or both)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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