Written by J.D. Goolesby
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Monday, 26 March 2007

image for Pelosi, Dems Demand Detroit Pullout
Pelosi in her customary headwear

The statistics are in for 2006 and Detroit's homicide rate totaled 414 victims. The reports did not go unnoticed on Capitol Hill in Washington D.C.and some congressmen are alarmed and demanding that President Bush take immediate action. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) the first female and card-carrying psychiatrically challenged Speaker of the House recommended strong action with the revelation of these new figures.

"It's obvious," Pelosi said on Monday while picking cat hair off her customary Soviet red neck scarf," that America is losing the battle in Detroit," she said in between nervous tics. "The most viable action is a good old fashioned French surrender run-and-crap-in-your-pants-as-you-go solution. We need a pullout."

Chuck Schummer (D-NY) agreed. "We must set a timetable for the pullout of Detroit," Schummer said as he elbowed Pelosi from the camera. "Although Detroit is an American City in an American state, we cannot concern ourselves with democracy. It's close enough to Canada to let that country deal with the region's problems."

Vice-President Dick Cheney responded to the democrats. "Certainly changes need to be made in Detroit, but the good old fashioned French-style-surrender-crap-in-your-pants-as-you-go solution is no solution at all.This Democrat proposal uses the word 'pullout' more than a couple of teenagers in the back seat of a '57 Chevy."

Pelosi countered Cheney's response with the threat of de-funding Detroit's federal money. "I'm dedicated to compromise with the White House, but if President Bush does not comply to my wishes I will push legislation that will de-fund Detroit. No questions asked."

Economists noted that the lack of federal money in the form of welfare checks to Detroit could possibly affect the American textile industry, specifically the FUBU clothing line, and the recording industry, specifically CDs by rap artists "Chingy" and "Xzibit."

North of the border the response was a loud and clear positive one. "Given Canada's long history of large European-style socialist programs, we would love to further burden our taxpayers with the annexation of Detroit and it's large welfare class. In addition, we'd love to to drive the major American automakers located there even deeper into the hole with our exorbitant tax rates, strong, although slack-ass, unions, and ludicrous environmental government regulations," said Elton Jon M. Jaqueson Petofile` (pronounced pee-toe fill-a), spokesperson for the group Canadians of Quebec Encouraging Eccentric Regalia, also known as C-QUEER.

"The horrible decor of many of the homes in Detroit would also benefit from becoming part of Canada," Mr. Petofile` continued. "The city is so devoid of secondary colors, especially pastels. C-QUEER could interior decorate the entire city in months, if not weeks." Petofile`encourages those interested in learning more about his organization to look in the Webster's Dictionary for "Canada" which will refer you to C-QUEER.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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