Written by John Andreini
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Topics: Shopping, Ted Nugent

Friday, 23 March 2007

image for Madman to Murder Mammals on the Mall

Washington D.C. - On July 22, the "Motor City Madman" Ted Nugent will lead a contingent of Republican Senators and Congressmen and Vice President Dick Cheney on a bow hunting foray on the Washington Mall. Sponsored by the Bow Hunters of North America, the event is intended to raise awareness and understanding of bow hunting.

Surprisingly, the Mall will not be closed to tourists on the day of the hunt. Organizer Billy Fotis explained, "Hell, we want citizens to see what bow hunting's all about and experience it close up. If we shut down the place, then it's just a bunch of hunters scratchin' their balls." When asked about safety issues, Fotis laughed, "I think everyone out there will know the difference between a raccoon and a person. We ain't quite that dumb. Although if I were Nancy Pelosi, I might stay off the Mall that day. I'm serious."

At 8:00 a.m., a menagerie of wild animals will be set loose at various points around the Mall to be hunted. Animals will include rabbits, squirrels, raccoons, stray cats, and white tail deer, and each will be assigned a score. Hunters will be encouraged to kill as many animals as they can, with the carcasses going to a local food shelter. The hunter with the high score for the day will receive the animal of his choice stuffed and mounted. Shooting tourists will result in point deductions.

Reached by phone, Nugent commented on the event. "I think this is going to be a shit-kickin' blast. I mean hunting critters in the shadow of the?that big domed building gives me goosebumps. And I want to thank Coors for sponsoring the Beer 'n Bacon breakfast before the hunt. We'll be nicely tuned by starting time, if you know what I mean." Asked whether he expected any animal rights groups to protest the event, Nugent responded, "They're welcome to come on out, but I would suggest they don't wear bright colored clothing."

Vice President Cheney's office issued a statement saying the VP is very excited about participating in the event, even though he will only be allowed to use rubber-tipped arrows.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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