Written by John Langlois
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Topics: Medical

Tuesday, 20 March 2007

image for Blue Cross to Dumb Down Medical Correspondence
Blue Cross Knows You don't Get It.

In a move that can only grieve the 19 remaining English teachers in the United States, Blue Cross announced this week that they are dumbing down the correspondence that they send patients that submit claims for medical reimbursement.

Claude Honker, a local spokesman, noted "We hired the people at CMS to help with our FOG problem."

When asked by a reporter what "FOG" stands for, he said, "Well, we needed a euphemism for the people who just don't get it. These are the poor souls that George Bush didn't leave behind, but everybody else did." "In house we call them the "f*cked Over Group." But you can't say that in public, so we just shortened it to the FOG group.

"Anyway, we have hit upon a way to communicate with these people by rewriting our letters to them so that they never have words with three or more syllables."

"So, for example, we won't say "your physician is not on the approved list." We will say "your doctor is not on the approved list."

"How does that help?" one reporter asked.

"Well, they know we aren't going to pay their claims, but now they understand "no" better," Honker said.

"Well what about all the polysyllabic medical jargon that describes body parts and functions?" another reporter wanted to know.

"Simple," said Honker. "We already have a list of approved words. For example, we can't use "Vagina" because it's three syllables. But "koochie", "Va-J" and "sumpin" all work."

"For more complex ideas like a "Laparoscopy", we are going to say "poke a hole in you, stick in a flash light and have a look."

"The hardest part of this whole procedure," noted Honker, "is dumbing down our office staff. We are having to retrain them to think like 8th graders. It works okay for the spelling issues, but we noticed that the men are slipping back into telling fart jokes and the women spend all their time talking about make-up and looking at pictures of Donnie Osmond."

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