Written by John Andreini
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Topics: George W. Bush

Monday, 19 March 2007

image for Bush to Minions: Save My Legacy
Bush in the Oval Office

Washington, D.C. - With the Iraq war going badly and Afghanistan slipping back into Taliban control, President Bush has given notice that his legacy must be rescued by winning a war. Senior administration officials announced today that the President was choosing from a list of countries to invade and defeat over the next twelve to eighteen months.

According to unnamed sources, the list includes:

  • Vatican City
  • Chad
  • The Island of Funafuti
  • Dominican Republic
  • Greenland
  • San Francisco
  • Liechtenstein

Those closest to the President say he is leaning towards the Dominican Republic because of its proximity to the United States and the wonderful weather. Sources say the rational for such an attack is being debated, but still on the table are: weapons of mass destruction, safe harbor for terrorists, crime, poor posture, urinating in public, the interception of nasty e-mails, and insufficient deference to foreign tourists.

When asked, Dominican Republic residents were universal in their desire to be invaded. An elderly man who asked not to be named said, "Our government is a joke. No one knows who they are. If the Americans come, we'll have plenty of ganja and liquor for them. Viva America!"

Military leaders assured the President that the invasion could take place with no loss of life or injuries on either side. Reports are that this displeased Bush, and plans were then made to fly in a dozen rebels from Columbia to put up minimal armed resistance to the invasion.

The U.N. has threatened to oust the U.S. from membership if the invasion takes place. The official response from the administration was, "We wish."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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