Ms. Edith Weenie-Tickler, Vice President of Rodale, publisher of Al Gore's book "An Invonvenient Truth", was pleased as she announced the terms of the negotiated settlement with the Polar Bears that had sued her firm for defamation of character.
Standing at a podium that was flanked on her left by an empty chair, and on her right by a cage filled with snarling Polar Bears borrowed from the Bronx Zoo, Ms. Weenie-Tickler flashed a smile as she held up both thumbs and said "IT IS OVER. Now, we can move on."
The structure of the negotiated agreement is outlined as follows:
- ONE, Rodale will insert in every copy of "An Invonvenient Truth" in our possession errata sheets correcting the errors contained in Mr. Gore's book.
TWO, Rodale will send to every bookstore, book distributor, and library in the world a package of errata sheets sufficient to meet their needs.
THREE, Rodale will pay all production and distribution costs for a documentary film titled "Polar Bears can swim, are vicious predators, and are doing quite well, thank you".
FOUR, Rodale will not publish any book, article, or document about Polar Bears without the prior written consent of the Polar Bears or their designated representatives.
FIVE, the Polar Bears wave all present and future rights to sue Rodale for any wrongs engendered by the publication of "An Invonvenient Truth".
Ms. Weenie-Tickler was gracious to her opponents: "Without a spirit of compromise on the part of the Polar Bears there would be no settlement. They were willing to lessen their demands."
An early sticking point--that they be allowed to kill Al Gore and feast on him-- was dropped when they realized that this relief was not in Rodale's power to grant.
Opening the meeting to questions from the press, Ms. Weenie-Tickler was asked what impact the agreement on her case would have on the $25 billion suit filed directly against Al Gore. Ms Weenie-Tickler quickly replied: "Bear in mind this is not a settlement of the suit the Polar Bears filed directly against Al Gore. That is an entirely separate case."
When asked how such an error filled book could be published, she replied: "Bear with me on my explanation. I had hoped that I wouldn't have to answer this question. The empty chair is for our Principle Fact Checker, Ms. Phoebe Periwinkle. I brought her expressly to answer your question. Unfortunately Ms. Periwinkle, who is legally blind, accidentally bumped into the Polar Bear cage before our meeting. I understand that she is recovering nicely at Columbia-Memorial hospital from loss of blood and massive multiple laceration. I will say this: Ms. Periwinkle is eminently qualified to be Rodale's Principle Fact-Checker. She is a retired social studies teacher from our local elementary school. I take umbrage to the scurrilous rumors that she had not used her reading glasses when working on "An Invonvenient Truth". Just because Ms. Periwinkle is 83-years old spinster who is legally blind does not mean that she requires reading glasses to do her work."
A reporter asked Ms. Weenie-Tickler why he was provided only with a two pages of errata sheets labeled "Abridged Errata Sheets." Ms. Weenie-Tickler replied "I beg your forebearance. It was our intention to provide all attendees of this meeting with a full set of errata sheets. However, the complete set of errata sheets covers 193 pages. Our copiers kept breaking down because of overheating due to constant use."
In contrasts to Ms. Weenie-Tickler, the Polar Bears were surly and unresponsive. They refused to answer any questions from the Press and snapped their jaws at any reporter that approached their cage.
Some of the highlights from the abridged errata sheet for "An Invonvenient Truth" passed out at the meeting:
- Page 42. Change caption to read "Before his death, Dr. Revelle coauthored an article that argued against taking drastic action on global warming since there were too many uncertainties in the data."
Pages 43-44. Change caption to read "Global warming cannot be the cause of the receding glaciers of Mount Kilimanjaro because there has not been an increase in temperature in the region.
Pages 146-147. change caption to read "Polar Bears are vicious apex predators, who are excellent swimmers, and are not about to become extinct.
Pages 63-67, 172-173, and 242-247. Excise pages with single edged razor blade and discard. The information presented in these pages is either wrong or irrelevant.