In a special address to America carried on television last night, President Bush called on all Americans to convert to Islam as a way to end the War on Terror.
Brandishing a copy of the Koran, Bush said "It says right here in this book that believers are not to fight with believers. If believers fight with believers they have to stop fighting. If America converts to Islam then the terrorists will have to stop fighting us, or they will have a fatwa declared against them. "
To implement America's conversion to Islam, the President proposed a new program, the Islam Conversion Initiative, ICI for short.
Pushing back his turban the President laid out the components of the ICI Program. "ICI will have three parts: the Itinerate Islamic Cleric Program; the University Madrash Assistance Program; and, the Pork Eradication Program. Using the Itinerate Islamic Cleric Program we will import Moslem clerics into the United States from countries such as Aden and Yemen where they are in over supply. The University Madrash Assistance Program will provide funds to colleges and universities to establish Madrashes to train Moslem clerics. The Pork eradication program will remove all traces of pork from the American diet and eradicate all traces of the pig within our borders. Because many of our fellow citizens will lose their jobs because of this program, they will be made eligible for special scholarships and stipends to attend a Madrash and become Moslem Clerics."
"I will fund the ICI Program by a ten percent income tax surcharge on the income of Infidels. I know some of you will accuse me of breaking my promise not to raise taxes. I say this to you, I promised not to raise taxes. I did not promise not to raise taxes on Infidels."
In closing, the President said "I am now to be called Ached Jamal Rustem Bush. I have chosen this new name to demonstrate my sincerity."
Political commentator and talk show host Rush Limbaugh expressed his unqualified support for the President. "Any program that would put a Burkah on Rosie O'Donnell is a great program. I love it."
Democratic response to the President's speech was generally favorable with one notable exception.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (Democrat-Nevada) was enthusiastic over the President's speech. "As we speak my staff is assembling a list of women who I would consider taking as my other four wives. For those of us who are Mormons, whose religion once practiced polygamy, converting to Islam is a small step."
Senator Ted Kennedy (Democrat-Massachusetts) was favorable but seemed wistful.
"If America had been a Muslim country when I drowned that dumb broad at Chappaquiddick, I'd be President now. One woman more or less is not a big issue in Islamic countries."
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (Democrat-California) expressed outrage. "I vehemently oppose any program that would force me to mothball my wardrobe of designer originals and wear a Burkah. "