Written by Selmer
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Friday, 16 March 2007

image for Not good men, GodMen!
Jesus Christ, grow some balls! Eat the damn lamb!

FRANKLIN, TENN -- 300 men, claiming to be Christians, met at a shopping mall, of all places, to listen to a lesson that will likely ring home with the "God and guns" mob: Christianity has been "feminized," Jesus is a "wimp" and a "bearded lady," and there are some things that real men just can't talk about in front of women.

These men, each apparently successful enough to shell out $68 to watch football blooper films and listen to mediocre stand up comedy, are sick and tired of turning the other cheek all the time, and are ready to beat up the money lenders in the Temple. Unfortunately for the rest of us, who understand that the world doesn't revolve around ourselves, these so-called GodMen seem to think the money lenders are just about anyone who disagrees with their Rambo religion.

"Jesus was a peacenik hippy," said one. "The beard, the long hair, who can take that seriously?" Men who seek to follow Jesus' teaching end up the same way. "It's probably just as well he never got married, he'd have been a pussy whipped mama's boy, just like all these new age types now. Give me 'fire and brimstone' over 'love your neighbor' any day."

Said another, "When God saw something wrong, he didn't hesitate to act. Look at Sodom and Gomorrah, look at the flood. There's nothing wrong with destroying that which is destructive. I feel like kicking some atheist ass myself right now." He raised his fist and cried out, "Onward, Christian Soldiers!"

Here's the self-appointed fashion maven: "Look at the Pope, or most preachers, always running around in dresses. How's a real man supposed to listen to anything they say? Put'em in a baseball cap and Carhart jacket, now you've got a leader of men!"

Iva Tight-Sphincter, White House deputy communications director, upon hearing of the GodMen appeared to swoon. "Oh my!" was all she had time to gasp before going all weak in the knees and collapsing into the arms of nearby Charlton Heston.

Perhaps the funniest thing about this story is how close it is to the truth. Or, perhaps that's the scariest thing.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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