Written by Selmer
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Topics: Iraq, Iraq War, al-Qaeda

Friday, 16 March 2007

image for Al-Qaeda: "U.S. Puppets Playing Right Into Our Hands."
"We think that they think that's what they want us to think they think. But we've out thunk them. I think.

BAGDAD -- During a recent trip to Tokyo, Vice President Dick Cheney spoke out against those in Congress advocating a withdrawal from Iraq. "I think if we were to do what they are suggesting, all we'll do is validate the al-Qaeda strategy," Cheney said. His theory was that al-Qaeda has adopted a waiting game strategy, hoping to out last the American will to fight in the area. The latest information suggests that Cheney couldn't be more wrong.

Communication between known al-Qaeda members shows that a U.S. pull out would drastically undermine al-Qaeda efforts to continue more than token resistance the the democracy movement in Iraq. "American soldiers on our soil is the best recruiting incentive we've had since we came up with that 72 virgins thing," Yusef Ibn Bizzi Killin can be heard saying on newly released recordings. "Seriously, if they start to pull out, we're thinking of collecting bananas for their tail pipes!"

Killin complains that the nascent democracy in Iraq is turning out to be every bit as much a problem for al-Qaeda as it had originally anticipated. "As we feared, after 25 years of living under Saddam Hussein's vicious dictatorship, almost nobody has much stomach for fighting anymore. Even the virgin dealie cannot compete with a nice house in the suburbs with a pickett fence and a late model camel in the garage. I don't know how we'd be able to sustain any kind of violence if we couldn't use their presence to whip the troops into a frenzy."

Asked about whether the U.S. may be playing into al-Qaeda's hand, White House deputy communications director Iva Tight-Sphincter said, "Huh?" Later, she issued this statement through the Department for Doublespeak: "Any suggestion that what we are mistaken is wrong and traitorous and will be met with repeating the same errors we've been committing all along. We might lock you up, too, so watch it!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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