Guantánamo Bay, Cuba - Today Khalid Sheikh Mohammed finally gave in, after months of mind-wrenching torture, he signed the blank confession that American forces filled out later. It was a difficult thing to do especially being his captures broke both of his hands, but he signed anyway with tearful eyes.
The American military said that not only had Khalid Sheikh Mohammed confessed to plotting 9-11, the 1993 WTC bombing, the JFK assassination, the killing of Nicole Brown Simpson, Ronald Goldman, high school student Michael Douglas (in 1963 originally blamed on Laura Bush), Mary Jo Kopechne (1969 originally blamed on Ted Kennedy), Abraham Lincoln (1865 originally blamed on John Wilkes Booth) he also was said to have taken responsibility for the depletion of the ozone layer, the spread of both terrorism and green house gases; having smoked dope with Bill and Hillary Clinton, it is claimed that he had a hand in rigging the 2000 Florida votes, and he also admitted having had sold LSD at Max Yaskur's farm to War Protestors during the Woodstock festival in 1969. He also admitted to selling heroin to PNAC frat boy and former VP, Dan Quayle.
Our reporters asked the military if they could have an interview with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed; and the military said it would not be possible. They said they could relay questions; Sergeant BrassBoles said we could trust the US military to deliver accurate transcripts of the confessions, that there would be no need to talk to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed directly, adding that he was tired and can't talk.
Our reporters haven't seen such thorough confessions since the days of Stalin's KGB.
More on this story as the military tells us what to write.