WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congressman Pete Stark (D-CA) has revealed that he does not believe in the existence of a supreme being, making him the highest ranking public official to make such a public declaration. Reaction has been swift.
Iva Tight-Sphincter, White House deputy communications director, said, "Well, this comes as no surprise. We've known all along that Democrats are Godless Communists. Rest assured that we're doing all we can to get this menace removed from Congress." When Ms. Tight-Sphincter was reminded that the Constitution explicitly prohibits the use of any religious test for holding office, she replied, "That's rather insignificant. It's really no more important than any of the other Constitutional provisions that we've been ignoring."
Pat Robertson, founder and chairman of the Christian Broadcasting Network, called for the immediate assassination of Rep. Stark.
Jerry Falwell, founder of the Thomas Road Baptist Church, Liberty University and the Moral Majority, predicted, "Stark will go to hell, along with anyone who has voted for this heathen, as soon as the wrath of God strikes California and sends it to the bottom of the Atlantic ocean where it belongs." Upon hearing this statement, students attending geography classes at Liberty U began withdrawing en masse.
Pope Benedict XVI has offered to personally meet with Rep. Stark and perform an exorcism to cast out the demons that have possessed him. Rep. Stark responded by volunteering to head an intervention to cure the Pope of his delusions.