Speaking from his ranch at the beginning of a 3-month ‘sabbatical', President Bush announced today that the 2004 elections would not be held. Citing the need for greater Homeland Security in these troubled times, Bush stated that his removal from office would do irreparable damage to the War on Terror, which started with the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and is soon expected to encompass Syria, Iran, Al Franken and Michael Moore.
"If we allow the Democrats to compete against us in the next elections, they may win," said Bush with a thoughtful look and a worried brow. "The election of a Democrat to the office of President would be a blow to all the progress my administration has made in Americanizing the world, and in asserting our superiority over the UN. It would cause the hard won tax cuts to be siphoned away from economy stimulating expenditures on big-ticket items, to be squandered on such petty things as food and clothing which wouldn't help the economy much since most meat packing is done by illegals and most clothing is made overseas. It would be a potential disaster for the government's rights to know what anti-Republican propaganda Americans are checking out from the public libraries…we would no longer know who our enemies were. It would cause a horrible rift between our greatest American institutions of Church and State. And finally, our lack of solidarity would undoubtedly cause some bad man from some turban wearin' country to think he could just come here and blow something else up, and we can't afford to let that happen."
Among the steps Bush is planning to take is to first declare martial law, which will give him the authority to order the Democratic members of congress to vote yes on a resolution proclaiming Bush to be Commander in Chief for life. Any dissenting members will be summarily executed for treason, with Bush himself offering to pull the switch. Remaining Congressmen would be able to appoint Republican friends, family and heads of Corporate America to fill the vacancies left by the executed lawmakers. Similar steps would be undertaken first for Federal judges, and finally all state governors. The Constitution would be replaced with a copy of the Ten Commandments, with the words "except for as directed by President for Life George W. Bush" to be added as Bush puts it "to that one about shalt not kill."
"Eventually, I hope these steps can eliminate the dangerous anti-Republican element in American Society," Bush said, concluding his speech. After that, Bush retired for an afternoon nap, and sent Attorney General John Ashcroft out in the audience to ‘bust some heads'.