Jack Bauer, the volatile and unpredictable federal agent on Fox's hit show "24", has been hired to provide security at the Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in Sheboygan, Wisc.
Restaurant owner Bill Williams said the move is in response to the increasing unruliness of the prepubescent patrons. "These kids are out of control," said Williams. "We've tried everything - timeouts, taking tokens away, shaving their heads. Nothing worked. But that's all change since Jack Bauer arrived."
Bauer, usually found hanging around Los Angeles' Counter Terrorist Unit, said the move for him was purely strategic. "Man, I'm broke," he said. "CTU has me running around so much I can't get to the bank to cash a paycheck, not to mention eat or go to the bathroom."
Williams said Bauer has been quite effective since taking over the position. "We had one kid, a real pistol, kept trying to stuff dollar bills down the waitresses' shirts. But five minutes alone in a room with Bauer and the kid volunteered to do dishes in the kitchen."
When asked how his unorthodox interrogation techniques play to the pre-teen crowd, Bauer was vague and elusive. "There's not much to it. When I tell them balloons aren't the only things I can pop with my bare hands, they change their tune real fast."
Williams said Bauer has also helped his wait staff become more efficient. "When our staff can't get a response from the guests, all Bauer has to do is say, "I SAID, 'WHO ORDERED THE LARGE WITH PEPPERONI?' and 43 hands go up."
Bauer said his counter-terrorist skills have come into to play at his new job. "I'm trained to sniff out explosives. I've stopped suitcase nuclear devices from exploding. Now I diffuse bombs with a Pampers wipe and a Huggies. There's not much difference."