The California legislature has passed a new law making it illegal for any employer, educational institution or landlord operating within its borders to "discriminate against any citizen on the basis of race, sex, age, religion, sexual orientation, physical disability, physical appearance, smell or the condition of being an utter and irredeemable turdbrain."
The bill is the payoff after years of lobbying by the American Society of Sputum-Heads Obviously Lacking Equal Status. The group's president Max Gluteus commented, "This is a great triumph for selfish, small-minded weasels the world over. Every other special interest group is getting plenty of equal protection under the law and truckloads of money in court settlements except us. We've been fired from jobs, turned down for dates, refused service in restaurants and cut out of wills, all just because we're a little hard to get along with. Well, OK, we're a lot hard to get along with, but only for about two-thirds of every day."
According to the law's backers, people with repellent personalities can't help their temperaments any more than they can help their sex or race.
Gluteus reported plans to file "a class-action suit on behalf of all the tuckwads, dickweeds, harridans, scolds, shrews and prize SOB's everywhere who have been cut out of the loop and prevented from having fulfilling lives merely on the basis of their rotten attitudes, short fuses and big mouths."
Gluteus does not anticipate any problem in getting a lawyer to take the case. He went on to explain some of the new law's ramifications: "Think how many times you've heard someone described as 'Not so good-looking, but with a really nice personality'. Well, no longer -- that's offensive to us and is no more acceptable than calling someone 'Not so good-looking, but really Protestant'. And don't go calling us 'jerks' any more either. From now on it's 'socially daunting'." Gluteus concluded by adding that he "can't wait to sue and get my old job back at the Department of Motor Vehicles."