ATLANTIS, GEORGIA--(BREAKING NEWS)Lucky Numbers are, 16-22-29-39-42, Mega Ball+20, Christmas came early for the three winners of the biggest Jackpot in lotto history. The Mega Millions winners have all turned out to be homeless people. Thanks to their lucky windfall they are smiling a wider than usual toothless grin today. Having correctly guessed the five lucky numbers and the Mega Ball, these low lives from across the country came together today for a press conference.
Laden Bin Osama-Anderson who lives in the trees just blocks away from the White house in D.C. says, "I will be moving from that location soon, Saheeb" Having originally lived in war torn Iraq before the fighting began, decided to stowaway on a merchant ship and coming to America by way of Canada.
Osama sells newspapers stolen from newspaper stands. He then re-sells them, at a mark up from the base of the tree he calls home. "Don't like fighting rush hour traffic while riding donkey to work. I'm more of an urban tree dweller." Mr. Anderson has had his eye on a HUMMER for quite awhile and wonders if the military will sell him one at a discount in exchange for a magic carpet & pet, cobra.
Conchita Ramirez Alehandra Carman Kulo or "Crack" for short, has lived in a car with her 6 children ages 2,3,4,5,6,7. in the parking lot of the Chula Vista, Wal*Mart for one year. "AYE CARAMBA," she rejoices, "Now I cahn afford to go furst clahs and buy a weeneebahgo for mah hoole famalee and NOT haff to movf! Que bueno, Ay the watcho, Gabacho!!" "Crack" has plans to become a US citizen just as soon as her forged documents & phony drivers license come in the mail.
The third winner has been a derilic so long he has forgotten his name. "My friends call me Stink Butt & my enemies...well, don't call me at all" Mr. Butt confesses, "I spent my last $3 on those tickets. I didn't think I had a chance in hell in winning! Now I can buy myself some luxury items. Like soap, toilet paper, air freshener and bug spray for my hair." Mr. Butt also mentioned that he would be moving from the dumpster he calls home, to a more lavish location. A tree top dwelling located in Washington D.C. with a beautiful view of the White house.
In New York, Ticket sales were being bought at a rate of more than 1 million an hour, said Robert McLaughlin, the state's lottery director. "We congratulate these Losers...I mean...Winners!"