A startling scene of death and chaos was found in the local homeless shelter yesterday morning. After many exhaustive hours of investigation and little evidence to work with, it was determined that the deceased were the victims of afghan attacks. One lucky man survived the attacks.
The seemingly harmless, multi-colored knitted and crocheted blankets wound their way around the unsuspecting victims during the night. A break in the case came when one afghan was found still clutching a lifeless body. It appeared that the afghan was not able to free itself from its victim after snagging several yarn tassels on the zipper of the man's jacket.
Sole survivor, Leo Dunn, 59, emerged from the bathroom, having spent the night there due to the "nasty stew" served for dinner the prior evening, and walked into the grisly scene just after police had arrived. Initially considered a suspect, he was free to go after a search of the bathroom provided obvious evidence of his alibi.
The afghans did not put up a struggle and were quickly gathered and packed into box to be sent to an incinerator. The police are now focusing their attention on the group that donated the blankets, "The St. Mary's Knitting Club".
It is alleged that this group has terrorist ties and police fear that several hundred similar "cells" may exist across the United States. Any citizen in possession of a fugitive afghan is encouraged to turn it over to their local police department for proper disposal.