Yesterday, President George W. Bush signed the little publicized bill 072702.afrt into law which makes owning and/or using a skate board a federal offense. "Our youth have been perverted long enough" Declares Bush as he affixed his signature to the bill.
Because of several recent incidences where healthy young men were fatally injured as they attempted to ride their skate boards down the roofs of churches, the unsafe nature of skateboarding has been brought to the attention of Washington lawmakers. The investigations show that the use of skate boards has been linked to drug use and several other criminal activities amongst the youth of our nation.
This according to rumors, this is an effort to ensure the health and quality of our youth for the much anticipated draft. "We must send a strong message to the youth that we are looking out for their best interests even if their parents aren't willing to do it themselves." said President Bush.
According to the new legislation all skate boards must be turned into local police departments by May 1, 2007. The President is considering the exercise of emergency powers provided by the patriot act to allow for local police departments to perform random searches of the homes of all students enrolled in local public Jr. High and High Schools who have not turned in a skate board by the dead line. The police departments have been ordered to turn over the offending articles to the National Guard to be destroyed in a public manor no later than May 15th.
Any attempts to avoid compliance will be punished with heavy fines and federal prison terms for both the offending youth and their parents. "We don't look too kindly on sneaky people." The President declared. "Having a skate board in this sense would be seen as an act akin to treason!" which he emphasized by pounding his fist on his oval office desk.
Skate board makers will receive a lump sum payment of 3 million dollars each to compensate for the closure of their businesses. This is to be used to change their operations over to making safer and more "traditional family" entertainment for our youth, such as roller skates, hula-hoops and yoyos.
Pre-Bush law offered no protection from skate boarding teenage hooligans or the effects of their hooliganism on other unsuspecting teenaged victims. But thanks to the patriot act our president no longer has to engage congress in long debates to pass laws that protect our country from adverse forces.
"No more waiting for those stubborn democrats to get over themselves and do what I want them to." said the President. "Me and my advisors can move ahead unhindered in the protection of the fine citizenry of our great nation."