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Thursday, 1 March 2007

image for Stoned Civil War re-enactor thought to suffer excited delirium syndrome; real gun shot instead
Civil War re-enacter Bruce Robert E. Lee preparing to take on Union calvary troops

Civil War re-enactors near Sharpsburg, Maryland were charging up a hill and firing on Union troops defending their ground when all of a sudden Maj. General, Thomas "Stoned well" Jackson fell off of his horse and slipped into a state of shock and out of consciousness. It was expected that the General may have been suffering from a stress-induced excited delirium syndrome.

Excited delirium syndrome is a term more medical examiners are using to explain why people - often high on drugs or alcohol - die suddenly while in police custody.

But critics say that it is a term that is just being used as a cover for police brutality, especially when using Tasers.

Symptoms are said to include extreme agitation, aggressive, violent behavior, low pay with non-Union wages, racism, an unhealthy love for the "stars and bars" (Confederate flag), incoherence and inability to pronounce certain words correctly containing more than four syllables.

No one can say conclusively what happens to the body from a physiological standpoint while it's experiencing excited delirium syndrome.

After resuscitation, the Confederate Maj. General Jackson and his horse was carried off the battlefield on a stretcher and placed into an ambulance and taken to a local Sharpsburg hospital where he was attended to by 21st century doctors.

Upon arrival, the horse was taken by an EMT and lead by the reins to the front of the hospital where he was tied to a bike rack while doctors inside worked on his injured master and performed reconstructive butt surgery, so he would fit more securely into his saddle.

Expecting to use the excited delirium syndrome diagnoses, doctors found the real cause of the Maj. General's injury, a bullet hole in his upper back. No legs or arms on the Maj. General had to be removed and the sidewalk where the horse was standing had to be thoroughly cleaned afterwards.

Civil War re-enactors, unless they are unusually stoned, do not use real ammunition in re-enactments.

"One must have gotten loaded by accident, a gun that is," said re-enactor Otis Clayton. "We can go for thousands of fake rounds before this happens."

The Battle of Antietam (also known as the Battle of Sharpsburg, particularly in the South), was fought on September 17, 1862, near Sharpsburg, Maryland and Antietam Creek and was part of the Maryland Campaign. It was the first major battle in the American Civil War to take place on Northern soil and was the bloodiest single-day battle in American history, with almost 23,000 casualties.

"You really feel the heat when you're doing this stuff," said re-enactor, Clayton. "It's hard not too feel what those soldiers were feeling out there in 1862 on the battlefield with all those rifles going off. You don't want to be trippin' too much."

Spokesmen for the NRA (Not Right Americans) say that Civil War re-enactments are the single best publicity stunts that they have.

"Everyone should go see a Civil War re-enactment," said American actor Chaleton Wesson. "You'll come a way with a greater appreciation for what these beauties provided us."

Re-enactors were confused what the actor Wesson was talking about when he used the word, "beauties," the guns they were using, the rolled joints in the commanders hat band, or the black stallions being ridden by calvarymen.

In other news today, thousands of nuns lined up today to purchase a re-mixed version of the Grateful Dead recording, "American Beauty" which was re-released today on DVD.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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