White House Spokesman Trent Duffy held a press conference earlier today to reveal that President Bush will be undergoing major surgery some time next week to have his head removed from his ass.
Bush observers say that the President had been showing signs of this head up own ass condition, known as DQS (Dan Quayle Syndrome), for quite some time. Many had assumed that Bush's difficulty with the English language despite being a Yale graduate had something to do with long-term damage done during his self-described days of youthful indiscretion, which ended some time in his early 40s. Until now, sources close to the President recall Bush as a wild man. "You would hardly ever see him without a drink in one hand and a coke spoon in the other," recounted one former friend whom we were fortunate enough to interview last week just 48 hours before his mysterious death.
"It really explains a lot," states Dr. David Bernard, a specialist in the field of DQS since 1994. "His cavalier attitude towards imprisonment and even death penalties for people who make the same mistakes with drugs he once personally made, his relentless drive to subvert Democracy via election fraud, his removal of basic human rights for all Americans via the Patriot Act, his support of monopolization of all American Business, his tax giveaways to the wealthy while joblessness and poverty are at a level not seen since the days of Herbert Hoover, and his drive towards world domination via a refusal to build consensus with the rest of the world, have all been written off as neo-conservatism, but in reality, even the hardest of right wing ideologies couldn't account for all of the President's behavior."
Doctors became suspicious a couple years back when Bush nearly choked to death on a pretzel. Choking on snack food to the point of personal injury is a telltale sign of DQS. At first, doctors were unsure about the diagnosis because on the standardized written exam administered for the purpose of diagnosing DQS, Bush spelled ‘potato' without adding an extra e. Sources say however that he may have been told specifically to look out for this "left-wing dirty trick" by advisor Karl Rove.
Dr. Bernard explains that DQS is a genetic disorder wherein the patient was actually born with his head so far up his ass, that it comes out his throat, making the person look "a little goofy, but otherwise normal". After a number of years, symptoms begin to show, such as stammering over one's own words, having thoughts drift away mid-sentence, and making erratic decisions without regard to consequence. Currently, the only procedure available is surgery to invert the patient, pull his head through his throat and back out of his ass, and give him a good slap so he will come to and see what a bonehead he's been. Dr. Bernard became the foremost expert on the disease in 1994 when he treated the person for whom the disease was named, Dan Quayle himself. Results were both dramatic and immediate, and were evidenced by the contrast in Quayle's public statements regarding television programs. In 1992, Quayle criticized Murphy Brown for being a single mom. Ten short years later, Quayle revealed his admiration for the MTV program The Osborne's. "If that's not proof positive that we can successfully correct DQS, then I don't know what is," commented Bernard, who revealed he will not be performing this surgery, because as he put it "Karl Rove doesn't like me."