Written by Mark Garrison
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Topics: Health, Addiction

Saturday, 24 February 2007

image for "Patch Addiction Patch" Hopes to Curb Latest Addiction

In a sign of people's growing dependence on patches, Johnson & Johnson Labs has introduced the "Patch Addiction Patch." The patch addiction patch or PAP as it was called during secret testing hopes to relieve people from their seemingly endless dependence on patches.

With all of the various patches available in today's society, it was only a matter of time before people developed this life altering addiction.

The PAP, which contains small amounts of nicotine, morphine, alcohol, birth control medicine, weight loss components, Alzheimer's medication, and sugar promises to slowly wing people off of their addiction to patches.

"I was wearing over 25 patches all over my body at one point," said patch addict Mary Lovina. Mary started experimenting with recreational patch use in college. "My friend had a nicotine patch and I loved it. When I couldn't find a patch, I would randomly place maxi pads all over my body."

Mary's boyfriend David shares in her pain. On one of Mary's roughest nights, she lined her vagina with 15 nicotine patches, 20 birth control patches, 10 weight loss patches and a 2"x2" iron on Florida Gators team patch with the hopes of quicker relief. Without telling her boyfriend about this, they proceeded to make love and David's penis immediately fell off and became lodged inside Mary.

After 14 hours of emergency surgery and the surgical attachment of David's penis, Mary knew she had to do something. "I've only had a guys penis fall off inside of me once before. It's really scary."

While many people are singing the praises of this latest pharmaceutical development, some people are concerned about the side effects. The manufacturer is purportedly debating a warning that the patch may attract "heroin shooting midgets hell bent on world domination;" a small price to pay for a solution to what some consider a tortured lifestyle.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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