Written by TomFoolery
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Topics: al-Qaeda

Friday, 23 February 2007

image for Al-Qaeda on the Verge of the SURGE
Shoot first, ask questions later.

The PENTAGON (Armed Forces Digest) - Al-Qaeda leaders in Iraq are poised to adopt the SURGE strategy in the likely event that the dubious Democratic majority in the U.S. Congress shoots down the measure, thus shooting down lame duck President George W. Bush in front of the whole world and everybody else.

"We know a good thing when we see it, even if our vision is sometimes clouded by the all-too-frequent sandstorms we get over here, you know," Sheik Abu Dubi-du, second in command of the ragtag insurgency in Iraq. "But, before we can implement such an audacious plan, there are a few steps we must accomplish in preparation for the ultimate game-ender."

Dubi-du laid out their strategy in a scheme with little more than a rhyme scheme going for it. The first phase in the preparatory evolution is called the SPLURGE. During this initial ramping up, Al-Qaeda financiers will open their wallets, pocketbooks and vaults to purchase as much military hardware as the gray arms market will allow. With any money left over they will snap up the latest and greatest nuclear weapons Iran has to offer, right off the assembly line. And, in the event that Iran needs a few bucks to finish up their nuclear enrichment program, who better to fund them then their sandbox buddies.

The next step is called the MERGE. Secularism has been the Al-Qaeda's bane since the first President Bush stirred up the Middle East hornet's nest. Osama bin Laden himself will conduct a whirlwind field trip, visiting the terrorist training camps around the world and firing up?make that WILLING the fanatic troops to join him in wiping out George Bush and his "toy soldier army" which, without the additional 21,000 troops the president really, really really wants to send over to catch our bullets, will be over so quick it'll be like Shock-n-Awe déjà vu all over again.

The final step prior to deploying will be the PURGE, where the unified anti-anybody-but-us Al-Qaeda martyrs-in-waiting will search out and "eliminate" any infidels in their path, be they goody-two-shoes Iraqis whose puppet show government deserves no less than to be boiled in oil, or huffinpuff hotshot American and allied troops that have been worn down by dirty deeds they're too nice to use in their own defense.

In an unprecedented act of self denial, once again the Americans are playing right into the hands of the terrorist horde they so want to destroy. The result will undoubtedly be a final phase that might as well be called DIRGE, as the losers on both sides bury their dead.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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