Written by Roger Burke
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Friday, 23 February 2007

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla - In the wake of the judge's order that the body of late Anna Nicole Smith be buried in the Bahamas, a new document has surfaced suggesting that another entry into the still unresolved paternity sweepstakes has come forward.

As that individual curiously once had the same name as the individual reporting this new development, to maintain objectivity, we feel it incumbent upon ourselves to print the public notice filed with that same Florida court without further editorial comment.


PUBLIC NOTICE IN THE MATTER ANNA NICOLE SMITH
Roger Birkhead (artist formerly known as Roger
Burke) v. Prince Frederick von A-Hole

On advice of counsel, I feel it extremely important to disseminate this public notice with all deliberate speed. Unless the court is otherwise notified, I wish to be known from this point on by my acquired name of Roger Birkhead -- the name I have purchased from a Hollywood press agent -- rather than by my birth name Roger Burke. I would also ask to be referred to and addressed as same. A lot could be a lot riding on this; perhaps as much as $474 million.

While the court had ordered the body of Anna Nicole Smith preserved for ten days - I see no reason that its disposition could not be delayed until the resolution of this issue, as we know there may be a couple of parts that could preserve themselves for up to 100 years, if not exposed to direct sunlight. However it would be particularly important to resolve this issue prior to the release of next Thursday's ABC Movie of the Week, "Anna Nicole and the Gaggle of Golddiggers." These things tend to come out rather fast.

Our most immediate concern would be to neutralize this interloper "Larry" Birkhead, the current apparent favorite of the masses, who keeps pushing for a ridiculous DNA test, just because his own will certainly match the child's.

I believe my counsel will be able to demonstrate my own convincing entitlement to the Birkhead appellation, as, over the past nearly 60 years I have already frequently been addressed as Airhead, Bonehead, Knucklehead, Dickhead, Pinhead, Pindickhead, Shithead, Talulah Bankhead, Bashful, Grumpy, and Doodyface --depending upon circumstances.

Contrary to what some have been led to believe, it was I, not "Larry the photo journalist guy" with a similar name, who had been Anna Nicole's secret lover. On many occasions. In fact, one morning -- twice. What difference does it make that we had never met, nor was she PERSONALLY involved in any of these liaisons? I have literal first-right-and-left- hand knowledge of the relationship, and this is all that should matter.

Having recently celebrated Valentine's Day in seclusion, as an unabashed romantic, I hope the public will respect my request for privacy in not entering into the specifics of this intimate and personal 10-year infatuation. Why the woman had been infatuated with me for a decade is a secret I will take to the grave.

I see the potential of this becoming the first genuine class action suit - Roger Birkhead v. Everybody Else Except Eddie Murphy - and of course that Howard K. Stern fellow, because, really, how stupid do you think people are? I mean, really. However our counsel of record, the law firm of Maury and Montel, is prepared to depose claimants either in alphabetical order or by time zone.

The one pretender to the J. Howard Marshall endowment (i.e. paternity of this child) whom I do not take for granted is this Prince Frederick von A-hole -- the 59-year old-formerly-64 year old husband of the 90-year old Zsa Zsa Gabor -- who seems to have already made it past the primaries.

Incidentally I should interject that Ms. Gabor is a woman whom some of us hold in so little regard, we will only refer to her as just "Zsa." Yes, I know it strains credulity to assert that a fake German prince who wed an 8-times-married-divorce settlement-millionheiress, when she was 70 and he was only 39 might be some sort of opportunist, but we cannot rule out any possibility.

This other Birkhead's lawyer Debra Opri insists the baby was Smith's by way of her client. But von Ancient's lawyer, Grand Ole Opri (no relation) claims it's Smith's by way of von Android, his financial manager, two business partners, and several little blue pills. Ms. Opri the former says she has the trailer park to prove it. This paternity thing could take awhile; as at last count there were 527,000 guys in the United States named Smith. I suspect many more will be announcing their candidacy early to get a jump on the fundraising.

I understand Oliver Stone believes there may even have been a fourth or fifth shooter.

Von Antpaste claims that, of the three declared candidates, he was the only one with Anna Nicole counting back nine months from Dannielynn's birth, and that they had a 10-year affair. Correct me if I'm wrong, that would have put the beginning of their relationship sometime in 1996 -- less than a year after the passing of Ms. Smith's billionaire husband J. Howard Marshall. I have sought second-source confirmation of this from the J. Howard Marshall family, but all have been busy establishing their whereabouts at both T.O.D.'s.

I know it is hard to think ill of a man with the strength of character to so comfort a widow who had recently inherited only $474 million. Especially so soon after his own, then 80 year-old, spouse, Ms. Gabor, had declared personal bankruptcy - following the loss of a law suit against the actress Elke Sommer related to the size of Ms. Gabor's ass. (http://www.nndb.com/people/ 530/000025455/ I am not making this up; this NNDB bio. is highly recommended to answer this and other FAQs.)

Yes, to be sure, Prince von Anguish stated for the record that Ms. Smith had been a great fan of Zsa's, and wanted to emulate her (http://www.cnn.com/2007/LAW /02/09/prince.paternity.ap/ index.html). The two - or in one respect, the four-had much in common. Gabor had been a B movie actress and Ms. Smith was still a DD cup.

In the above-referenced news article, von Anthill claims Anna Nicole wanted him to make her a "princess." However he informed here that, since purchased titles cannot be passed on after death, he would have to adopt her for that, and perhaps wed at some point in the future - say when all of Ms. Smith's legal and financial issues had been resolved? This plan was said to have been abandoned when Ms. Gabor slapped the man silly, shouting, "Who the 'f' do you think you are, Woody Allen?"

I think this is one point that Zsa and I probably do agree upon, because that woman is no dummy; after all she's Paris Hilton's great step-aunt -- or as Paris calls her "Aunt von Anhot." She knew that if her husband had gone through with the plan, he would have been both Dannielynn's father and grandfather. That's something quite unusual, even in Tennessee.

I do applaud the younger Hilton's generous acceptance of both Gabor and Smith, despite the fact she is who she is, where, on the other hand, the other two had become famous largely only for being famous. I have always been grateful to the entire Hilton family for their sage advice: "Always leave the shower curtain inside of the tub." I am even appreciative of the beauty pageant sash they had waiting for my wife in our hotel room on our honeymoon night that read "Sanitized for your protection" - whatever that means.

Von Hairball's story is full of holes. Smith just wasn't the princess type. If anything she should have gone after Gabor's sixth husband Jack Ryan, who came up with Mattel's Barbie doll (http://en.wikipedia.org/wik i/Jack_Ryan_(designer). Then she could have occupied herself for hours slurring words with Chatty Cathy, whom Mr. Ryan also invented (ibid). Although Mr. Ryan would also already have passed on by then, that would have actually narrowed the distinction between himself, Mr. Marshall and Prince von Android.

Sure, at the time of the birth, Anna Nicole may have expressed doubt even as to the child's maternity - but there's no reason she would not have had the circumspection to see right through this von Halfwit's story. This was obviously an educated and cultivated woman, having been married 14 months to a former assistant Dean of the Yale Law School (http://en.wikipedia.org/wik i/J._Howard_Marshall). She certainly must have developed a sharp legal mind over the course of many reunions in New Haven to which Mr. Marshall had undoubtedly entered her as Exhibit D (ipso facto, e pluribus unum, and veni vidi vici).

This von Antwerp fellow should have done the decent thing and married Anna 20 years ago when she was already of legal age -19, and he was at 67 and descending. Instead what does the louse do? He hitches up with that cop-slapping, bellhop-beating, fur-wearing, golddigging, Naomi Campbell-role model-of-a-Gabor - widely acknowledged as inspiration for the punchline "she keeps the house."

Likely the only woman ever pulled over by a Beverly Hills cop for going 5 carats in a 3-carat zone. A woman, who after a Beverly Hills traffic accident claimed to have awakened in a Coma, when we all could plainly see it was a Corvette. We know about these automotive issues, because it is common knowledge that, in Beverly Hills, people judge you by WHAT you drive rather than just WHOM you drive. Which is why, under current circumstances, although I can only afford to rent the Kia Rio, I always at least request vanity plates.

Not to muddle the issue with anything gratuitous, but this Zsa woman is apparently also the only person ever sued by an amusement park for not taking it seriously (http://www.answers.com/topi c/zsa-zsa-gabor bio section).

I'm sure you are aware that Zsa certainly didn't need this von Anchovy. She already had everything she wanted: cameos in "Nightmare on Elm Street 3," "Naked Gun 2-1/2" and "A Very Brady Sequel." Another cameo from George Sanders, a tennis bracelet and a Bentley from Porferio Rubirosa, and 5 hotels from hotel magnate Conrad Hilton in a nasty settlement that I understand also included 11-hundred little bars of soap and 3,200 Gideon Bibles. (OK that's a variation of her joke, but I would still like in introduced as evidence.) And that doesn't count the 4 hotels she received from her seventh husband, refrigerator magnate George Westinghouse, along with 6 houses, Baltic Avenue, a Get Out of Jail Free card, and a Ride on the Reading.

Of course there is a remote possibility this Prussian Prince Phony isn't in it for any personal financial reward at all. That he just wants a baby sister companion for the other child he claims to have fathered out of wedlock - Athina Onassis (estimated inherited worth $600 million - $2 billion, but who's counting).

It is also certainly within the realm of the possible that von Amorous could actually be the father, even after having sued the Pfizer Pharmaceutical Company for $10-million six years prior, on the grounds that their product Viagra had left him impotent without it (http://www.imdb.com/news/we nn/2000-11-09#celeb3 ).

Although documents related to the case remain sealed by the judge's order, it is generally assumed the lawsuit had been settled quietly -- with a lifetime supply of the Anhalt enhancer and Ms. Gabor's introduction by Pfizer's customer relations to between 6-8 individuals who had been forced to see a doctor because of an erection that lasted four hours or more.

Which also raises the question, "Was finding no pills in the stomach of my late acquaintance good or bad news for TrimSpa? With the eight paper bags they took out, you'd think there would at least have been some Chinese?

Finally I should acknowledge that this is a difficult situation for everyone. Even Shane Gibson, the Bahamian official looking after the child was said to have been visibly shaken by events of the past several days. This is a courageous admission, in that while Gibsons have always been shaken rather than stirred in Jamaica ever since the filming of the James Bond "Dr. No" movie, on all the other islands it's the other way around - so as not to bruise the onion.

PS. One final question. Should this petition fail, how does the name Roger Buruck-Obama sound to the court?

Respectfully submitted
Roger Birkhead (formerly Burke)


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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