MALIBU, CA - After several days of wild media speculation and assorted sightings, bald, tattooed, and troubled pantyphobe Britney Spears has now attributed her recent bizarre San Fernando Valley head-shaving incident to Feng Shui (pronounced either "Elizabeth Shue" or "Ally Sheedy"). That is the ancient Chinese art of placement and arrangement of the spaces and objects in one's life so as to achieve harmony with the environment while maximizing photojournalistic exposure.
Speaking to reporters, Spears family spokesman Junior Mintz -- whose other clients include, Paris Hilton, Yoko Ono, NASCAR, the National Pork Rind Council (NPRC), the Pork Rind Bowl, the National Pork Rind Pageant (NPRP), and Lynard Skynard -- indicated the first sign of trouble may have been in late November or early December.
"Shortly after she filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, Britney conceded that it would be all be impossible to avoid the paparazzi," said Mintz, and we are quoting here, "so she had her cooter waxed to accommodate flash and cell phone photography."
The Spears spokesperson went on to explain that his client had requested the traditional Brazilian wax, which only removes every follicle of unwanted hair between you and Parsippany, New Jersey. Instead, Ms. Spears had been inadvertently subjected to the much more formidable Patagonian wax, that removes not only your own hair, but that of five others you designate from your family network calling plan.
The pop singer had decided to go a cappella, so to speak, after suspecting her November breakup with Mr. Federline had been an unfortunate side effect of a panty blockage of her chi -- the virtual energy force that flows around us.
"Otherwise, " Ms. Spears was quoted at the time, "who could have seen this coming?" To relieve the blockage and redirect the flow of positive energy, the distraught pop diva turned to Feng Shui, which literally translated means "wind" and "water" - two elements the public has long associated with Ms. Spears' cooter.
She enrolled in a course at the Learning Annex accompanied by best friend Paris Hilton, who has already been observed by many giving great feng. Shui - not so much.
At first, under the guidance of her Feng Shui master and Pilates instructor representing the duality of Beverly Hills obsession, the club-hopping, gas-filling, Madonna-smooching, cell phone-driving, bird-flipping, child-endangering former Mouseketeer attempted to reinvigorate her chi through the use of wind chimes, crystals, and mirrors. Also by eschewing clutter, sleeping with the soles of her feet facing away from the door, never talking with her mouth full, and resolving to embarrass herself and everyone around her only when aligned on a precise North-South axis.
When this failed to achieve satisfactory results, Ms. Spears was said to have tried alternate under apparel including a specially-ordered Chia-thong - the clay-based novelty garment, popular in the South that, when watered regularly, sprouts all of the Colonel's 11 herbs and spices. Although this resulted in an unexpected infestation of root rot, Mintz insisted the Chia-thong remained a delightful, fecund, eco-friendly conversation piece throughout the holiday season. Mr. Mintz also implied there had been a simple misunderstanding.
"Paris suggested she start wearing outfits like the current Miss USA, and Britney thought she had said 'Terra Cotta," said the publicist. Another herbal remedy was subsequently prepared involving soy, sugar, peppercorns, garlic, cashew nuts and cornstarch, until someone pointed out that one of Ms. Spears' handlers had inadvertently Googled the recipe for Kung Pao Chicken.
Fortunately the Chiallergy was brought under control with a 3-step cleansing system strongly recommended by Ms. Spears' close friend Jessica Simpson, consisting of a renewing cleanser, revitalizing toner, and hydrating lotion.
A wardrobe assistant then suggested getting something "crocheted," which the Louisiana-born Spears apparently mistranslated from the French. There went the panties! With nothing left but the Full Monty, there was nowhere else to go to maintain the former Mouseketeer's clean cut image but the nether-regional depilation. Ms. Spears had learned from the Disney organization how important it is to look one's best when out in public - and by this time, she was really out in public.
Friends had long suspected something was going terribly awry after noticing a series of odd behavior patterns along Ms. Spears' precipitous conversion from pop princess to Sexketeer.
As chronicled in supermarket checkout lines, these included a 55-hour marriage to childhood acquaintance Jason Alexander at Las Vegas' Little White Chapel after a night on the town. In seeking an annulment, Ms. Spears' attorney explained the brief union had been an honest mistake. Being little and white herself, Ms. Spears had jumped to the conclusion the chapel had been constructed specifically for her own use. To be fair, Ms. Spears may also have felt pressured by her famous pledge of chastity until marriage, which had made her a role model for young fans around the world in the True Love Waits pro-chastity movement.
The marriage was rapidly annulled on grounds of incompatibility and irreconcilable differences: "Jason Alexander had his heart set on going into the import-export business," said someone who should know, "while Britney insisted he confine his activities to importation- not that there's anything wrong with that."
Health professionals suspect another latent precursor may have been her loss of virginity during True Love Waits Pledge Week, purportedly to ex-Mouseketeer Justin Timberlake, a well-known singer, dancer and sports ensemble consultant. This is said to have occurred either before, after, or during Ms. Spears' lesbolicious performance of "Like a Virgin" with a third ex-Mouseketeer, Christina Aguilera, at the 2003 MTV Music Video Awards. Following the pair's unusually demonstrative expression of appreciation to Madonna for allowing them to cover her hit, the three pseudo-Lesbiteers continued as role models for a new group of fans who now tended to be a lot more fun. Remaining coy about the incident, Timberlake continues to allege a premarital malfunction.
Other telltale signs included allowing at least one newborn to assist in the operation of a motor vehicle and stopping to use a gas station restroom - a necessity we now know can be obviated through the use of one or more adult diapers.
The final tip-offs that Ms. Spears' chi remained severely on the fritz, even after airing everything out, included her marriage to Mr. Federline; partying, drinking and attempting to start a Mensa chapter with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan; remaining married to Mr. Federline; flying coach; and actually believing that "Britney" is spelled correctly.
The chi imbalance may have been masked by episodes of complete rationality - such as filing for divorce against Kevin Federline.
Operating on the principal of opposing forces Yin and Yang, Feng Shui posits that there is a proper time and place for everything in the universe. Unfortunately for Ms. Spears that time and place happened to coincide with February Sweeps on American Television.
"Britney knew that from both a personal and career perspective, she needed to reinvent herself, " said one source who asked to remain Justin Timberlake. "Unfortunately she chose to reinvent herself as Courtney Love."
Mental health experts suspect Ms. Spears came to believe her energy flow needed further work despite the aforementioned heroic efforts, when she was named to Mr. Blackwell's list of the Worst Incompletely Dressed Celebrities while planning her "No Panties World Tour 2008."
In recent weeks, she was said to have been further unnerved by the media's appropriation of the appellative "train wreck" to encapsulate someone besides herself and Ms. Lohan. The press had previously dropped Ms. Hilton from the relatively exclusive club after realizing that in order to have a train wreck you first must at least have the semblance of a train.
Experts agree that the child star, formerly known as Debbie Gibson was finally pushed over the edge after erroneously having been informed that the Broward County Medical Examiner would be reopening a cause of death investigation after a pair of E coli-contaminated cantaloupes turned up during a routine embalming procedure. It was also at this time that Ms. Spears was shocked to learn that neither the name "Britney" nor "Brittany" appears anywhere in the Bible.
During what could be only described as an "intervention" family and friends tried to convince Ms. Spears that she could still turn her life around if she would just find some way to get adopted by an African child.
It was immediately thereafter that she was seen checking into an Antiguan rehab clinic for approximately seventeen-an-a-half minutes. (Note, other publications who had previously clocked the stay at 24-hrs. now admit they were "only rounding off."
Rumors circulated that Ms. Spears had been attempting to break the 4-minute rehab record now held by the recently re-heterosexualized Rev. Ted Haggard.
"For years, healthcare professionals have proclaimed it would be impossible to break the 4-Min. Rehab, but Britney Spears was determined to prove them wrong," said Lance Serotonin, editor of the trade magazine "Rehab Today, and Perhaps Even Tomorrow." Serotonin volunteered that an endorsement deal for at least one popular high-end pharmaceutical was said to be hanging in the balance. However Ms. Spears time was thrown off as she attempted to slide down what was described as a "banister" to reach the front door and suffered a nasty splinter in a rather nasty place, because -- well, enough said.
Neurologist and legendary runner Sir Roger Bannister was unavailable for comment as to the irony of the freak mishap that likely prevented Britney Spears from breaking the 4-minute rehab.
The television news magazine "The Insider" reported Ms. Spears had again turned in a disappointing time in a second attempt, Wednesday; this one at a Malibu treatment center. Then she was back again at the same facility Thursday amid media speculation that she had given up on the sprint and was now committed to a Marathon Rehab - perhaps staying as long as three or three-and-a-half hours. Ms. Spears was upbeat about her chances, because any time in either direction would likely be a personal best.
When asked by reporters why she had gone into rehab, then out, the in, then out again, and finally back in, a representative of Ms. Spears recording label, Setting Records, indicated that too had been a misunderstanding, "She thought they were locking her up in the 'hokey' pokey."
Speaking through her business manager, Ms. Spears had previously attempted to rebut the original Antigua rumors by announcing she had, in fact, not been checking into the clinic, but instead had been on a seventeen-and-a-half minute real estate tour of potential income property.
"With so many government, entertainment and clerical figures falling all over each other to apologize for one thing or another lately, rehab facilities are obviously one of America's true growth industries," the man protested. Whether or not actual rehab itself would be.
This seemed to gain credibility after a Freedom of Information Act request revealed that Robert Downey Jr., Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Corey Feldman, Corey Haim, Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston, Daniel Baldwin, Glen Campbell, Tom Sizemore, Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Love, Winona Ryder, Danny Bonaduce, Keith Moon, Kelly Osbourne, Rush Limbaugh, Tonya Harding, and the aforementioned Miss USA, Tara Conner, have already purchased time-shares in the Caribbean rehab facility. An entire wing was listed under a real estate investment trust, only identified as "Mouseketeers, LLC."
On her flight back to Miami, however, Ms. Spears became convinced that she did, in fact, need professional help, an arranged a consultation with the noted health and spiritual advisor Deepak Ohangerzon. Through a simple laying on of hands, Ohangerzon determined that Ms. Spears' ill-advised, subthoracic depilation, had, in fact, further aggravated a pre-existing cranial-cooter imbalance.
While declining to speculate as to whether Ms. Spears had been suffering from too much "feng" or too little "shui," the healer would only say, "If there's one rule we try to instill in all of our patients, it's first do no hair." But now that the damage had been done, some palliative work was clearly indicated to restore the cooto-cranial equilibrium.
Ms. Spears immediately boarded a cross-country flight to a discount hair salon in Tarzana, as part of an itinerary that is also believed to have involved some ground transportation.
With gawkers, fans, and paparazzi in tow, the scene at Esther's Hair Cutting Studio could be described as nothing less than an hysterical alopesiatic frenzy. When the proprietor, Esther Tognozzi, refused to accede to the pop star's request for a major Spears-shearing, the 25 year-old song-and-dancetress grabbed the electric clippers and proceeded to coif herself in a look she said she had once admired in a Redbook Magazine article on do-it-yourself electroshock therapy. Ms. Tognozzi, then relented and agreed to tidy up, feeling that a cooler head had now prevailed.
Several mental health professionals have suggested Ms. Spears' emotion-laden improvisational nobjob may actually have been a cry for forgiveness from Donald Trump. The cheap blond wig Ms. Spears was subsequently seen sporting lent added credence to that speculation. However others viewed the situation as a reaffirmation of all that is good and hopeful in the world, believing the popstress must have read somewhere that when you shave off your hair, it grows back thicker.
After a moment of reflection in the limo that had been waiting outside the hair salon, the depilous diva proceeded on to a nearby Sherman Oaks tattoo parlor, where, in her agitated state, Ms. Spears requested the design of a moth be inscribed in the small of her back - butterflies being "so 2003." At that point, with Olivia Newton John's "Let's Get Metaphysical" blaring in the background, several voices from the sidewalk were heard to shout, "What about bats?"
Settling for a pair of lips on her wrist and a cross on her abdomen, Ms. Spears attempted to deny any holistic connection to the head shaving and body art. She insisted she was just strongly considering the formation of a prison gang with Sinead O'Connor, Demi Moore and Natalie Portman -- tentatively to be called the Northside 12th Street Aryan Mousketeeer Disciples. Or as they would be known on the East Coast, the Pensacola Playas.
The limo then wound its way down Coldwater Canyon toward a club on Sunset Blvd., rather than taking a more direct route, because, as Ms. Spears explained to her chauffeur, "Bad chi always travels in a straight line." To which the driver replied, "And sometimes a Federline."
Things took another strange twist over the weekend, when Esther Tognozzi, the hair salon owner placed the hair extensions that had been shorn from Ms. Spears head up on eBay, with a starting price of $1-million. The offer was subsequently withdrawn after "Prince" Frederick von Anhalt, the husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor claimed it was actually his hair that had gone into the extensions. An attorney for Ms. Spears called that a "baldfaced lie," to which von Anhalt replied, "You should talk?"
The eBay item has since been sent to a lab where its DNA will be compared to that of a hair found in a bowl of soup that Ms. Spears had been sipping to treat a cold - along with half an economy-sized bottle of Nyquil. The latter tresslet has already likewise been put up on eBay with a starting bid of $1,750. With the soup it starts at $2,500. Shipping and handling extra.
Then, today, a woman who would only identify herself as one "Virgie Arthur" petitioned the court to allow her to take the hair-of-the-first-part with her back to Texas. While none of the hair in question had ever been to Texas, pundits agreed that it's where something like this almost certainly belongs.
In a written statement, the child star formerly known as Marcia Brady expressed gratitude to the friends who continued to stick by her. As she told Access Hollywood, "Before I hooked up with Paris and Lindsay, I hardly even knew what cavorting was."