Military scientists in the US have made a major technological and biological breakthrough in the campaign against terror. Genetic experts have managed to regenerate near-extinct and long-dead creatures, modifying them so that they can be used to the best military advantage.
DNA extracted from a 3-billion-year-old dog turd was used to recreate a Velociraptor which was then crossed with an Arnold Scwarzenegger clone, to produce "the ultimate killing machine". The model is known as the Kindergarten Commando.
Another amazing example of American ingenuity and money-wasting is the fusion of a disabled duck-billed platypus and the dodo, to form a semi-aquatic offensive naval weapon that can neither swim nor fly, but looks terribly funny trying.
President George Bush, himself, has endorsed the work, carried out at the US Dept of Futility Research Base in California. Speaking at the White House yesterday, he warned would-be terrorists not to expect the US to sit back on its haunches in its war against terror.
"We'll find new ways to fightle these adversarians. If that means combatulating through animalistics, then that's what we'll do. Clap now."
A recent poll showed that 93% of Americans thought Mr Bush had gone mad, whilst most of the other 7% believed his brain had either been stolen, or that it had stopped developing at the age of six.
The President's advisors are busy combing the Natural History channel for details of other interesting specimens to work on.