Today approximately 1,500 terrorists attacked Sin City in an unprecedented and brilliant scheme. The attackers were all disguised as Elvis impersonators.
Every single Elvian personality in the city was a terrorist who, in a coordinated attack, ran amok applying paper cuts with playing cards to city guests. Other attacks included deadly pelvic thrusts, throwing casino chips aiming for the eyes, as well as stuffing chip buckets over peoples' heads.
All of these Elvi takin' care of business was a ploy to get people panicked and running out into the streets. At approximately 9:11 this morning, not one but two twenty-ton dice rolled down the nearest mountain and tussled down the famous strip wreaking havoc. Many buildings, cars and cheesy lounge acts were damaged.
Ironically, the dice landed "snake eyes."
And in the final phase of the attack, 20 billion tons of anthrax was dropped onto the whole city. However, news agencies are reporting this to be snow so as not to cause a nationwide panic.
But not us, we don't care if there's a nationwide panic or not. We just want to get the story out first. That's the name of the game.
Finally, most die-hard gambling addicts were not affected by all this and kept right on playing. Casinos are reporting only a slight dip in business that can be easily made up during the next time Wheel of Fortune comes to town-or when the next Tyson fight is scheduled.
Viva Las Vegas.