Written by Doug Powers
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Topics: Christmas, Security

Sunday, 28 December 2003

image for Federal aid flown in to assist those trapped in Wal-Mart "return" line
The National Guard offers humanitarian aid, including opening a "gift return" area in a local gymnasium

The post Christmas rush to return gifts has reached near tragic proportions, as the line at a customer service counter at a Newark Wal-Mart has grown out-of-control, creating a security and sanitation nightmare for the area.

Customers, some who have been in line since the morning of December 26th, are becoming ill-nourished and dehydrated. In some cases, they have also been missing mortgage and car payments, in some instances just to exchange a "HoMedics Select Hand Spa" for a "Mr. Coffee Steam Espresso" machine.

New Jersey Governor James McGreevey has declared the store a disaster area, prompting the federal government to send in financial and medical aid. McGreevey has also mobilized the New Jersey National Guard, who are beginning an evacuation of the more seriously ill customers, and soldiers will also open additional registers in an attempt to get the line moving more quickly.

In the meantime, Governor McGreevey is telling citizens stuck in the line to remain calm, and soon they'll have their money back for that unwanted sweater, remote controlled car, or George Foreman Gillin' machine. Then he's urging them to shower.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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