The United States mint announced this week that it will attempt to shove another dollar-coin down our throats. This expected failure is to be called the Presidential Dollar, a gold-colored coin that depicts past presidents beginning with George Washington.
The different presidential coins will be rolled out progressively, much like the quarters that commemorate the 50 American states.
"Because the quarter is basically worthless in our society of capitalist inflation," said Newman Mattick of the U.S. mint, "we have decided to re-institute the wildly unpopular dollar coin so that people can once again ignore it."
Previous dollar coins include the Susan B. Anthony dollar of the late 1970s and the more recent gold-colored Sacagawea dollar. Why will the Presidential Dollar succeed where the others failed?
"Oh it won't," Mattick said. "Americans are too set in their ways. All the baby boomers still think of a dollar as that big hulking thing with Eisenhower on the front. And younger people are too into their greenbacks. Who wants to carry around a pocket full of heavy coinage anyway? I don't know why those Brits love the pound so much."
One of the key features of the Presidential Dollar, however, Mattick said, is that like current President George W. Bush, the dollar coin is thick and can't pronounce the word "nuclear."