Washington DC - Sometime last night, after 136 years of standing tall and erect, Washington's favorite "stiffy" went limp. One of the first to discover the sagging monument was Greg Garcia. When Greg arrived at work this morning he could not believe his eyes. "I knew we were in trouble when I could not see the monument from across the river. When I arrived and saw it bent over like that, I turned around and went home because I knew that I would be blamed."
In a statement issued by the National Park Service, spokesperson Sgt. Barry Miller told reporters that although the incident is currently under investigation, the preliminary results point to a faulty can of solvent that was used in the restoration process. He said, It seems that by accident, the workers cleaning the middle section of the 136 year old monument had been accidentally given an experimental enzyme that dissolved cement and stone that was being tested by the Pentagon.
The Pentagon responded with the following statement : "Although we are saddened by this unfortunate mishap, we want to say that those f****** b******** at the Park Police are a bunch of horse riding faggots who had no right to drag the Pentagons good name into what is obviously a weak attempt to spread the blame for what is a horrible travesty committed by those no good Horse F******. Besides, this thing has CIA written all over it."
In a telephone interview, CIA director Hayden said, "We had nothing to do with it. It was a water main break that caused the bend. When asked how a water main break had anything to do with the structural damage he explained, that since the Monica Lewinski affair the water supply to the House and Senate have been dosed with salt peter to curtail improper behavior with interns. Obviously it was the salt peter that caused the structural failure.
"When I said I didn't believe him, Hayden argued that since the addition of salt peter to the water that not one member of the House or Senate had been caught with his pants down."
When Congressman Foly's name was brought up, the Director ended the interview.
Bob Dole showed up later in the morning and worked the crowd hawking free boxes of Viagra. When asked his reaction to the limp monument, Bob turned to the gawking crowd and spoke with strength and conviction. "You know, it's a terrible thing that could have happened to any one of us." He then continued handing out more free Viagra samples.
President Bush wisely stayed away from the scene and issued a short statement in which he described how he "felt the pain of the sagging joint". The White House press office later denied that they had issued the statement. Workers will begin today to repair the damage structure.
By Joey Thomas