Conservative nationally syndicated radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh has been indicted as a drug lord by the FBI. After a judge ordered that Mr. Limbaugh's dental records be revealed, a member of the Federal Bureau of Investigation made the connection.
As someone who used to be a part of the Colombian drug cartel but is now a consultant to the FBI, special agent Tom Foolery (name changed to protect identity) recognized the handiwork which could only be of the hand of one infamous dentist.
Dr. Torrejón Diente, D.D.S. does all the dental work for the most notorious Colombian drug lords. That's all he does work for and has made a handsome living at it (by Central American standards).
"Once I saw the photos of Mr. Limbaugh's teeth I knew it could mean only one thing," said special agent Foolery. "On the back of his gold-plated tooth I saw an inscription which is the special mark of Dr. Torrejón Diente."
The inscription is that of a five-pointed marijuana leaf, the Playboy rabbit head logo, and the side view silhouette of a naked woman.
"The inscription could mean only one thing, that Rush Limbaugh is a Colombian drug lord and that he doesn't floss regularly."
Rush's Florida beach-side home was raided where an underground cave leading to the ocean was discovered. A stockpile of cocaine and fully fueled boat was found in the cavern as well. Apparently Mr. Limbaugh was making regular runs to and from this secret passage.
"That explains why he chose to live in Florida," said special agent Mulder. "I knew there was a conspiracy because no radio talk-show host can make the kind of money he was making-especially a conservative one."
Mr Limbaugh's New York office was raided too. There on his desk was a pile of the white substance with traces of it on his golden EIB microphone as well. Apparently he has broken the first rule of the drug lord code of ethics, "Never do your own stuff."
This may account for his downfall as well as his poor dental hygiene.
Rush Limbaugh (now refered to as "Scartooth" by FBI agents) has not been found yet, but is suspected to be holed up in the small California town of Rio Linda. He has also replaced Saddam Hussein as the Ace of Spades on the Most Wanted list as the #1 threat to America as we know it.
And that, I'm sure, is a title he wears as a badge of honor.