San Antonio, TX - A study into whether or not obese people are healthier than fit people or not recently concluded today with surprising results. Researchers at Texas A&M University in Austin, Texas released the results of a 17 year long study into this matter, concluding that obese people have almost a 2375% higher risk of heart disease, high cholesterol and heart attacks.
Professor Jacobson of Texas A&M said that, "This is one of the most unbelievable findings in medical history," the Professor concluded with, "We always thought the only danger of being fat was killing yourself for being a fat ass."
While the findings might be a surprise for some, there are a few people who have known this for a long time. Kathy Richardson of Austin, Texas, a participant in the study told us, "I knew something wasn't right. They made me drink condensed bull testicle lard for 10 months. Once I hit 753 pounds, I kinda knew I wasn't healthy. I could hear my heart pumping and I broke out in a sweat just trying to reach my lard shake."
We hit the streets of San Antonio Texas, the "Least Athletic City" according to a major magazine, and spoke with various obesity experts (people that we saw were overweight) and found that this news was in fact shocking. "You mean to tell me that every time I eat too much food I gain weight? You're telling me that eating 18 meals a day for a total of 12,000 calories can make me sick? Thank Jesus for you! You just may have saved my life," said one obesity expert.
After we broke the news to yet another expert, that expert reportedly threw his quadruple bacon double roast beef pancake burger with extra gravy in the trash, bought exercise shorts along with a heart rate monitor and was seen being struck by a car while jogging with a crazed look on his face.
These astounding findings could change the way we all look at fast food. Nutrition expert, Jennifer Morrales said, "I think this is exactly what this country needs. Maybe now that people know being fat isn't healthy, they just might change their ways."