Sources close to CNN have informed us that Osama is running for president. Osama is very popular among Democrats and liberals because of his opposition to the Iraq War. Osama, appearing at his latest press conference, said "we must fix the mess that President Bush created in Iraq."
Osama, who went to a Muslim school when he was a child, is challenging Senator Hillary Clinton, Governor Bill Richardson, Male Model John Edwards, Garden Elf Dennis Kucinich and others for the Democratic nomination. Both Senator Clinton and Senator Edwards say that they believe with Obama on many key issues as they want to "unite the Democratic Party behind the cause, not divide the country."
Vice President Dick Cheney has expressed outrage that the Democrats would allow Osama to run on their party's ticket. "The Defeat-ocrats would put Saddam Hussein's dead corpse on the Supreme Court and allow lesbians to practice their witchcraft," said President Cheney on the stand of the Scooter Libby trial. He then plead guilty to obstruction of justice.
CNN was not the only network to air a breaking story about Osama. The offensive Fox News blow-hard Bill O'Reilly claims that Osama, "did not just heard the goats he raised, if you know what I mean. And the worst part is he would have gotten out of the profession if he felt uncomfortable about it. He had a choice and the goats paid the price."
Left-wing Radio host Al Franken has stated that he supports Senator Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination, not Osama. But Right-wing pundits were soon to go on the attack, alleging that Franken is too dumb to spell the name of a presidential candidate slash wanted terrorist correctly. They argued that Al Franken has, "obviously forgotten the lessons of 9/11."
Other candidates are taking this time to kick off their campaigns as well. Independent candidate Ralph Nader attempted to lecture rocks and pigeons into voting for him, and John Edwards threw off his shirt on national television. Though Joe Biden's campaign was off to a rocky start to say the least, he is still trying to fix his shattered image. He held a press conference to lay out his agenda.
"I predict that Jeb will run Red with blood," said Joe Biden, who was referring to Governor Jeb Bush who may be running as both a Republican and a blood relative of the current U.S. president. Joe Biden announced the next day that he is leaving the race for the presidency because his advisors told him that he did not, "have the capacity to take his foot out of his mouth," and that he would be, "the next John Kerry." Not that he would receive the nomination.