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Friday, 9 February 2007

image for Part of the Missing $12 Billion Found in Heather Mills Garbage Can

The twelve billion dollars missing on the way to Iraq have been found, sources reported yesterday. The money has been identified by the FBI from the numbers on the $100 bills. The money was traced to the house of Ms. Heather Mills in London. Ms. Mills' cat Lovely Rita had dropped five $100 bills in the trash can while playing, it was found.

Ms. Mills was saddened by her recent divorce from Sir Paul McCartney. Her close friend Ms. Paula Lennon said on Thursday that Ms. Mills was extremely bitter from the fact that she got very little money from the divorce settlement.

Ms. Mills was trying to find a source to take care of the lavish lifestyle she had gotten used to while living with Mr. McCartney, said Ms. Simpson.

In 2003, the US Federal Reserve had sent the $12 billion to Iraq in 24 shrink-wrapped parcels of half billion each in fresh and crisp, straight from the mint, $100 dollar bills. The shipment weighed 363 tonnes. It was sent from New York to Baghdad to be disbursed to Iraqi ministers and US contractors. The ministers and contractors were being paid off to keep their lips sealed about the Abu Gharib atrocities.

Reportedly, the money was sent on C-130 planes from the US. As some of you may be aware, the C-130s entered American Air Force service in 1959. Since the planes were almost 45 years old at the time of this shipment, and also due to the large size of the shipment, they burnt more fuel than they could carry. As a result they had to stop for refueling on the Isle of Scilly, not Silly, off the southwestern shores of UK.

The money went missing as the planes landed in Scilly for refueling. With the help of her old client Mr. Adnan Khashoggi, Ms. Mills removed the money from the planes. Each time they left the doors unlocked. When the planes reached Iraq, the pilots found the open doors and assumed the money had fallen off in the Mediterranean Sea. It was revealed that due to a fear of the pilots coming across as stupid, and hence potentially damaging their reputation, the White House decided to seal the documents containing information related to the whole transaction.

It was a hush-hush affair all across as the news could potentially damage Ms. Heather Mills reputation. As a result, the story has so far not been covered by any major news channels or newspapers in the US. Ms. Simpson said that the whole American media had been paid off to ensure secrecy. The American media does not consider Ms. Mills newsworthy anyway, so it was a relatively easy thing to do.

Moreover, in the wake of the sudden death of the world famous model? Actress? Reality star? Rich widow? that the whole world knows as Ms. Anna Nicole Smith, the American public and media is completely grief-stricken. The US President has declared the next three days as a time of public mourning. All the businesses, offices, the Wall Street including NASDAQ, and both the Capitol Houses will remain closed till Monday to mourn the death of American sweetheart Ms. Smith.

Meanwhile, the Justice Department has issued a subpoena to the White House to reveal the contents of the sealed documents. Failure to do so may result in the firing of both the US President and the Vice-President, the Justice Department said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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