Written by SamIAm
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Friday, 9 February 2007

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Las Vegas police respond to "another boring crime."

Las Vegas - In the wake of what the news media are calling "boring news", the Las Vegas Police Department is asking local criminals to try their best to be "more entertaining" when committing crimes.

"The news here in Las Vegas is just - well - boring!" said Jason Mann, Chief of the Las Vegas Police Department. "Although the crime rate is rising, it's just not very interesting crime. Fewer people watch the news because these criminals refuse to break the mold a little. Come on, people! Let's use our imaginations a little bit!"

Mann said that even though the murder rate was still soaring, the killings were "not very interesting."

"Why do you have to just shoot people?" Mann asked. "Whatever happened to killing people in interesting ways? You know - like on that show CSI? Leave little forensic clues in the form of some artistic message. Or at least position the bodies in some odd way that leaves us a riddle to unravel. You criminals are the ones who make the news, so make it interesting for godsake!"

Mann also said that criminals were failing to produce entertaining news with smaller crimes, such as robbery, resisting arrest and high-speed chases.

"When you go in to rob a store, don't just hold a gun up and demand money," said Mann. "Do something interesting, like shoot at the cashier, or wear a George Bush mask. And what's up with this immediate surrender stuff? Damn it! Jump in your car and try to get away at excessive speeds. And when the chase is over, don't just get out of the car with your hands up. Crash into a light pole and then try to escape on foot. Hell, shoot back at us if you want to. And all the better if you're wearing a clown costume or dressed as Big Bird or something. Think, people! Think!"

"I never stopped to think about how entertaining I could be," said Peter Dansbury, a career criminal. "I shot a guy just last week because I needed his shoes. Maybe I should have done it for more psychological reasons, like, because he had blonde hair and I hate people with blonde hair because my dad had blonde hair and he was abusive. Boy, oh, boy! Am I embarrassed!"

Local criminals flooded the phone lines, making calls to Chief Mann and promising they would be more entertaining in the future. Some of them swore to give their murders more substance with cenimatic motives, drag out high-speed chases, and even juggle or do magic tricks for the camera after robbing a store.

"We all need to do our part," said Mann.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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