Colorado Springs - (ReUterus): Following a three week course of immunization jabs, colonic irrigation therapy, a pilgrimage to the crystal healing waters of the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain AND a semi-hypnotic suggestion from Mrs Haggard's divorce lawyer Pastor Ted Haggard has declared himself completely cured of the foul taint of homosexual sin that brought him down so low last year when outed as gay by his crystal meth dealer rent boy.
"I'm a different man", says Haggard, as he prepares to embark with his wife Gayl on a four year voyage of self-discovery to Iowa or Missouri where the pair are to study for a psychology degree in folie a deux.
"It'll be different men", sighs Mrs Haggard as she reads her husband's official psychiatric assessment from Professor Timmy Bigbollox and settles the three year surveillance bill from her private detective in Colorado Springs.
Meanwhile editors from the Guiness Book of World Records want to interview Haggard before including him in their next edition:
"Evangelical Christianity asserts that it takes at least a year to brainwash a regular heterosexual male into a mincing little poofy bum-bandit", said a spokesman. "But Haggard has undergone some kind of radical psycho-retro-engineering in only three weeks. This has to be a world record."
But one Colorado Springs psychologist has a very blunt message for the born-again hetero pastor:
"I would suggest he go into taxidermy or something and stay away from human services", he said. "He's going to be mixed up for a very, very, very long time."