In a surprise move today Transportation Security Administration spokesperson Amyl Calhoun announced new tougher restrictions for airline travel. The new regulations are being imposed starting tomorrow and are a response to charges that TSA airline security was totally inadequate and really did nothing toward protecting travelers.
Calhoun announced: "We just got sick and tired of hearing that all TSA was doing was lulling the gullible public into thinking that they were safe." She went on to say, in a horrible run-on-sentence, that after a security review provided by the DOD it came to light that really it was true, our measures were not nearly enough to insure travel safety and TSA needed to take much stronger steps to really make people safe and so now we have and boy, people probably won't like them much but at last people will finally really truly be safe.
Here is a list of the new measures to be enforced:
- No carry on anything of any type is allowed including jewelry and wrist watches
- No clothing allowed past the security checkpoint, including airport employees
- Boarding pass, 1 (one) credit card, and Photo ID will be carried in a clear plastic pouch, provided by TSA, and may be hung from the neck but must be visible at all times.
- All finger and toe nails must be trimmed to a maximum length of 1/4 inch.
- Cavity searches will be conducted on a random basis.
Calhoun explained that passengers arriving clothed at the airport will be required to disrobe at the ticket counter and place all clothing and personal items in their checked luggage. Clothing would be allowed in the baggage claim area where redressing could occur. Passengers with lost luggage will be provided paper jump suits and slippers courtesy of TSA.
So, there you have it fellow travelers - basically we all fly nude and carry nothing! I guess TSA isn't messing around any more. But at least we'll finally be safe. On the up side, you can stop wondering what to wear for the trip!
Your Naked Travel Buddy,
Orville Whittenspoon and His Singing Spurs