Written by Lucrecia
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Saturday, 20 December 2003

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It's A Blast!!!

Buoyed by the success of his recent speaking tour promoting the USA PATRIOT Act, U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft is taking the theatre world and American public opinion by storm with a new smash hit musical revue entitled "Our Brave New World."

Ashcroft has assembled a stellar cast of world-class talent in a show guaranteed to lift the spirits of all patriotic Americans in this holiday season.

Opening night served up a baker's dozen of crowd-pleasers:

* The first set featured Ashcroft and his sidekick John Poindexter, of Iran-Contra fame and currently head of the U.S. government's Total Information Awareness program, performing the seductive duet "Every Breath You Take."

* U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld delivered a stunning a capella performance of "Why Give Peace A Chance?"

* U.S. Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz donned bushy whiskers and a long tail for an amusing version of "If I Were King Of The Forces."

* L. Paul Bremer, head of the Coalition Provisional Authority in Iraq, proved he is the cock of the walk with a perfect lip-sync of "Under My Thumb."

* British Prime Minister Tony Blair, ever so light on his feet, danced to the tune of "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window?"

* U.S. Defense Policy Board member Richard Perle had the audience humming along as he sang the Burl Ives favorite "Silver And Gold."

* U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney brought the house down just before intermission with his dead-perfect impression of Ethel Merman, belting out "There's No Business Like War Business" and backed by a chorus line of closely supervised Guantanamo detainees on temporary release, jingling their shackles merrily to the beat.

* Opening the second act was former U.S. President and First Father George H.W. Bush, proving he can still talk the talk by singing the rousing "Macho Man."

* U.S. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice gave the audience a sneak peek at her upcoming show "Condi Get Your Gun" with a provocative performance of "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better."

* U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell offered a quiet interlude with a particularly soulful version of the Marvin Gaye classic "What's Goin' On?"

* U.S. Army Lt. General William "Jerry" Boykin then whipped up the crowd with a stirring rendition of "Onward Christian Soldiers."

* U.S. Democratic Senator and honorary Republican Joseph Lieberman gave a playful yet earnest performance of "I Want To Be Loved By You."

* The grand finale, beamed by satellite to the hundreds of thousands of U.S. soldiers stationed all over the world, featured U.S. President George W. Bush singing his own special version of "I'll Be Home For Christmas":

I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
I'll have snow and mistletoe
And presents 'neath my tree
Christmas Eve won't find me
Where the rockets gleam
Yes, I'll be home for Christmas
But you can only dream

When asked if more foreign dignitaries might join the show for future performances, Ashcroft said, "We're not sure yet. So far, French President Jacques Chirac and Geman Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder have declined to participate because of contract disputes, but we think we may have Russian President Vladimir Putin on board soon."

Ashcroft added that he is confident the show will go on for years, if not eternity.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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