US president George W Bush has vowed to find the weapons of mass destruction allegedly still at loose in Iraq "in time for Christmas" - as a present to his father who was conned out of them fifteen years ago.
Speaking candidly to reporters, Bush revealed he had high hopes that the capture of Saddam Hussein in his high-tech command bunker just outside Tikrit would provide the key to the weapons' whereabouts.
Bush admitted that George Bush Senior was "desperate" to get back the conventional and chemical weapons he sold to the now deposed Iraqi dictator in the 1980s.
"My pa sold those weapons in good faith," said Bush. "We're talking about chemicals to manufacture nerve gas, hybrid analogue computer systems to assist long-range nuclear missiles, Bell 214 helicopters - in short, all good stuff."
Bush said he was angry that Saddam had not honoured the agreement that Bush Senior had inherited from his predecessor Ronald Reagan in 1988.
"My pa said he would continue to re-arm Saddam's regime and keep on turning a blind eye to his numerous human rights abuses, such as the gassing of Kurd villages, if he would just keep his payments regular and not invade any oil wells," he revealed.
However, according to Bush, Saddam Hussein had played a ‘double dirty trick' by firstly not paying any money at all and secondly by using the weapons to invade Kuwait in 1990.
"Basically he duped Pops in real JR Ewing-style," said Bush. "It was the one business deal that my father regretted making. In fact, after the Kuwait invasion, he said he would never ever trust a man with a moustache again."
Bush denied that his latest war against Saddam Hussein had been waged merely to restore his father's damaged pride.
"We want those weapons of mass destruction back for purely practical reasons," he stressed. "Fidel Castro has been a pain in the butt for way too long now. Furthermore, our intelligence now tells us that Syria is full of communists."