Washington DC - President Bush announced today that he would make an even bolder move in the fight against terrorism by killing "every penguin everywhere on this planet."
"After seeing the movie March of the Penguins," says Bush, "and after looking at numerous pictures of these creatures, I have decided that they are up to no good. I mean, look at them! Is it me, or do penguins always look like they're whispering among themselves, plotting some terrible scheme to kill us all? It does to me!"
Bush says that for the sake of the country and the safety of its citizens, and indeed, the whole world's, penguins had to die.
"Oh, sure, kids love 'em," says Bush. "And they're so cute and have such a strong sense of survival, but you tell me what they're talking about, huh? There is half a penguin for every person in North Dakota. That's trouble in the making if you ask me."
Bush says that the "uppity" flightless birds seem to be snickering at the world, waiting for the right moment to strike.
"Those waddling trouble-makers think they're better than us," Bush said. "But we can stop them before they turn their flippered rage on the world and decide to peck our eyeballs out."
Bush has even called off the search for Osama Bin Laden in order to deal with "the more immediate threat to National Security."
The "Penguicide" has already begun in local zoos with hundreds of zoo workers shooting, stabbing and beating to death the black and white threat.
"I just think that these creatures are pretending not to be able to fly," says Hector Graham, manager of the San Diego Zoo. "They want us to think that they are harmless, that they wouldn't hurt a fly. But I know better! Hell, the American public knows better! DOWN WITH THE PENGUINS!"
Some experts have tried to stop the slaughter by saying that penguins only huddle together in order to keep warm. But Bush refuses to budge.
"Any group that congregates is out to get me," he says. "And if they are out to get me, then they're out to get you, too! Don't let them live! Penguins want to kill you!"